What Part Of N..N..N..NN Don't You Understand

still trying to shake off one of THOSE family calls....my mom this time, alas...another one of way too many miscommunications with one of my parents that left them confused and upset, and me hanging up abruptly in desperation, trapped in another full blown anxiety attack...i really hate anxiety attacks, especially bad ones like this one, because i end up reduced to a stuttering, twitching mess, curled into the tight ball rocking untinl it goes away.....ugh...i hate feeling helpless in any way, let alone totally...

a little background to explain...i'm bipolar, somewhat adhd, have a slight seizure disorder (which is much worse when highly stressed emotionally). and since suffering a huge breakdown a few years ago, prone to anxiety attacks...yup i'm a mess...well not really, and not most of the time anymore, thanks to my girlfriend, who helped me claw my way out of suicidal depression...it takes a special person to put up with 18 months of that...i'm not a kid if you wonder, turned 44 this year (about 26 years longer than i expected, at least so far)...i also, as you guess have a less than desirable relationship with either of my parents, in fact with almost all of my family except my sibs, and couple of cousins

there are few subjects that my parents and i can discuss comfortably anymore, which makes me sad, them too i imagine...we all share blame for this, btw...there are some subjects, however that are truly traumatic (at least for me), money being the absolute worst...it's so bad for me now, that i will have anxiety attacks for days if i have to ask either of them for help...i hate having to ask, feel totally shitty about being unable to support myself, but i can't even think about trying to go back to work without ending up seriously depressed for a week or so...i don't like that either...don't like depending on other's generosity for survival, until the breakdown had worked and pretty much supported myself since 18, had jobs since 15 i think...i am proud of the fact i was able to do so for so long, as being bipolar and keeping jobs, especially ones that pay well are somewhat mutually exclusive...most employers expect you to show up at a certain time, not miss many days, and maintain a professional attitude, which i can't do...mind you i have always given my employers more, and better work than expected, or paid for

anyway, back to the point...despite my best efforts, and i do try, i would end up turning to them every 4 or 5 years for help...usually coinciding with depressive swings....i didn't know i was bipolar until my very late 20's and didn't tell them until early 30's, so for a long time i think they felt i was just irresponsible, and told me so, which btw made me feel like shit, esp b4 i knew why i was having trouble...well they do know now, in fact have for many years, yet very little has really changed in how they leave me feeling when forced to ask for help from them moneywise, thus the anxiety attacks

so the latest episode was spawned from needing to ask my mom to send a check to repay my girlfriends dad back for a visit to an eye specialist...i had to see two actually, first referred me to another for a second opinion...when i went to the first she offered to reimburse for both, but it was several weeks between visits, and when she didn't ask how much for the second visit afterwards (not really her fault, she prolly expected me to ask or tell her) i was trapped...three months later, i ask my brother (in passing during a call) to ask her if she could send a check, cause i'm freakin bigtime just thinking about asking, he does, but it gets garbled and she thinks i need money for a new dental problem (which does not exist), so she calls me to find out whats up

i start to panic once i realise what has happened, and within seconds i'm doomed...what upsets me about this, is what happens once the anxiety attack starts clamping down, because instead of letting it go, she starts pressing and this makes it much worse...she gets confused, then upset, and i lose almost two days recovering...the last few minutes go something like this:

mom-chris (my brother) said you need money for dental work, what's wrong with your teeth
me-uh, uh, uh, uhuh,uh (in my head, oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck)
mom-he didn't know what's wrong, what do you need
me-muh,muh,muh,muh, n,n,n,n,n,n,n
mom-it's ok, you can tell me
me-neh,neh,neh,neh,neh
mom-really it's ok, i don't mind helping with medical bills...
me-nuh, nuh nuh, t,t,t,t,t,t..wwwwwww
(this for about two minutes, then)
me-nuthing wrong with my teeth, nnnnnnnnevermind
mom-no, no, tell me
(another two minutes,i finally force it out)
me-yuh,yuh,yuh,you,seh,seh,seh,uh,uh,uh,when i saw the,the,the first doctor that yuh,yuh,yuh,yuh, wu,wu,wu,wu,would p,p,p,p,p,pay f,f,f,for,buh,buh,buh,both,vi,vi...(i am twitching like made and almost in tears at this point)
mom-of course, why didn't you just ask
(now i'm completely freaked)
me-beh,beh,beh,ebcause,wuhwuhwuhwhen you di,di,di,didn't a,a,a,a,a,ask how muh muh muh muh, much after the seh,seh,sehcond, i i i i i i, cuh cuh cuh (in my head i am now just creaming incoherently)
(this is where it gets really ugly)
mom-we never really talk about money issues, i don't mind helping with medical bills, but feel that you sort of use us as a cushion with your other requests, and i don't know if just sending you money is helpful to you, you know i feel it may make it harder for you to be responsible with your money (this was maybe fair, tho mean, when she didn't know i was bipolar...but cuts to the bone now, as she knows how bad things have been for me the last few years, and that i barely survived them)
me-uh,uh,uh,uh,uh (completely panic striken and wanting to end this conversation)
mom-it's ok, we should talk about this, we haven't in a long time
me-nuh,nuh,nuh,nuh
mom-it's ok we really should, you don't need to feel bad
me-(must end call, must tell her must end call, can't talk, help me please, make it stop, please,please,please)
(after another two million years of agony)
me-cuh,cuh,cuh,i,i,i, can'tdothisrightnowigottago (hangup)

i felt like shit, cause i know she is hurt cause i just more or less hung up, but what the hell am i supposed to do...i'm upset cause i feel she should have figured out that my increasing distress is saying, BACK OFFF THIS PLEASE...i never stuttered until the last few years, so it seems an obvious signal of distress...maybe it's just me (no it isn't, because my gf agrees) that if you care about someone, you don't push in a situation like that....my parents are not ignorent of the medical issues here, my dad is a doctor, and my mom suffered bad depression after their divorce, do they think i am making it up, or that i am just trying to get them in some way...i DON"T FUCKING UNDERSTAND...

i wonder what life is like in a functional family

Posted by Angstman at June 23, 2003 03:52 PM | TrackBack