Dying Of Embarassment Is A Silly Way To Go

everyone has at least one moment in their life where they wanted to die from embarrassment...and no not where you were the butt of some cruel "joke", but where you did/said something totally boneheaded or so klutzy that you wanted to sink through the floor...of course if you have a sense of humor, and don't take yourself too seriously, it frequently becomes a story you not only laugh at, but tell with relish...i have many really, because i am gifted with a mouth that frequently runs independently of my brain, am a complete klutz (my brother and sister are too), and have a knack for being in the wrong place at strange times...there is one story though, that is in it's own league, a stupendous sequence of clumsiness, bizarre misfortune, and circumstance that i must share...

here it is:
my second date, of sorts, with a woman from work i was very interested in...though a strange date, because it was to go watch monday night football at this semi yupped out bar/restraunt in west l.a. with a bunch of my friends...i'm nervous to begin with as i like her and don't want to scare her off, it finally dawns on me that this is s stupid idea for a second date to begin with halfway there...only one of my friends shows up (of 8) which only makes it worse in my eyes...despite this, we are having a good time, she does actually like football (no i hadn't thought to ask first), and seems to be having fun, so i start to relax, big mistake...i am also having a major allergy attack, and she is not put off, in fact is sympathetic, and i have miraculously managed to not sneeze on her or even myself, feeling good...foolish me...around the second beer, have to go pee, so does my friend, so she holds the fort...of course i'm asking him what he thinks of her, and if i'm not making a fool of myself...he thinks she is cool, and no i'm doing ok....i feel better

this is where disaster strikes...while peeing at a urinal, i start sneezing...i let out this huge sneeze, and there is this blinding flash of pain, and light...yes i did too, sneezed so hard i smacked my forehead dead center on the big nut connecting the pipe to the top of the urinal, and knocked myself out...next thing i'm aware of is that i have a blinding headache, my back and legs seem cold and a bit damp, everything looks fuzzy and bright...snap, suddenly i realize i am laying on the floor in front of the urinal with my dick hanging out of my pants, and i am either laying in water or peed on my self, my suit is prolly ruined, my friend is freaking, and there are about 20 men staring at me strangely...i convince my friend not to call an ambulence, get him to help me shakily to my feet and to the sink, and find upon looking in the mirror i have a perfect imprint of the damn nut in my forehead...at that moment i sincerely wished for death, i mean i can't even begin to think of how explain what happened without sounding like a total fool, and i can't even sneak out the back, no back, and besides we work together...i'm not only gonna lose the girl, but will have to find a new job

before i can even sort it all out she comes dashing into the mens room...of course the entire place knows some guy passed out on the men's room floor, and it has been so long (20 minutes by now) she figures it is me....dunno if she was just worried, or was coming to dump me, but there she is...it si right then i notice i have not only forgotten to zip my fly, but am still hanging in the breeze...while not dead, i am struck completely dumb, and paralysed with shame, so i just stand there with my jaw (and pants) open

it all worked out ok though...my friend told her what happened, and she didn't laugh, and better didn't pity me...never told a soul at work...drove me home, helped me get into the house, put me in bed, and even sat there all night to make sure i didn't need to go to the hospital....wow...it only took me about two years to laugh about the whole thing...what the hell it was funny, weird as hell, but funny

so, i told you mine, tell me yours...share the laughter and pain of your moment, so i know i'm not the only one

Posted by Angstman at June 23, 2003 11:12 PM | TrackBack