Depression And Anxiety Are Poor Companions When You Have The Flu

the last few weeks have been a real bitch....had this thing, which would not go away, depite 3 visits to the dr, many antibiotics, and learning that i can add both ambien and progesterone to my long list of drugs that i will never take again due to unpleasant side effects...ambien seems to turn my into a twitching, spastic wreck, instead of putting me to sleep, and the progesterone made me miserable in several ways instead of helping....sigh...2 days ago, my girlfriend suggests that the fact i had not gotten any decent sleep for two weeks might be me from getting well, which totally made sense.

she also pointed out that my sleeplessness, and thashing about in bed, which was causing her to not sleep might not really be flu, but anxiety or depression....the lightbulb snapped on and i realize she is so totally right...then i wonder how i missed that thought....one of her klonapin, and a full night of sleep, plus seeing an old friend, then having a wonderful talk with her after getting home, i know she nailed it right on....i feel kinda dumb for missing those little signs, as i have know i'm bipolar for 15+ years and normally am totally aware of my mental state without needing a reminder...maybe the flu and lack of sleep masked it, i don't know...thankful she got me back on track tho, as that day had been horrible...being bipolar is odd....i'm sure most people who are not, think it is bad, or that a figment of our imagination....while long dpressive states are bad (what an understatement), as are some manic states, for me being bipolar is just a fact of my life...it is rarely dull, never predictable, but has great moments and i don't think i could be normal comfotrtably now....i'm lucky, because i have had great friends there for me over the years, and i generally don't swing too far from center....i also have this great girlfriend, who also being bipolar, understands me, and better yet accepts me as i am.

back to the depression thing here....for me, and every person i have known at all well who is bipolar, depression is part of life...the sucky part but part for sure....depression is especially bad the longer it lasts, because it weakens resolve, and drains your will to live....i want you to understand, that i will never willing commit suicide, i know how cruel that is to people who care....and i don't think most bipolar peeps really feel too much differently, it's more a loss of caring if you live, and weariness from the crushing weight of pain, which makes you blase about living rather than actively trying to die...for instance, when it is bad , as it was the other day, driving is a struggle to not just let go of the wheel and see what happens, or if i were criossing the street, i probably would n't run out the way of that semi, but then again wouldn't walk in front of it on purpose...just don't care....we all seem to be somewhat of risk takers in various ways....everyone i know would never hesititate to run in front of a speeding bus trying to save a child pet or friend....it's not bravery, just don't fear death, and value those we love much more than we value our selves....we think about dying alot, compared to normal people too i think....for me good day i olny think about dying 2 or 3 times...those very rare great days not at all....normal days i guess the thought crosses my mind about once an hour, bad days, it sticks in my head nonstop...i'm used to that, anhd i don't need protection from myself, because as i said i won't kill myself, i have survived two extremely long crushing depressive episodes of over a year and am still around so i'm sure i will be for some time yet....i do wish the hurt would go away and never come back, as i am tired, you get very tired of hurting....i live for the good days/hours....they make up for the pain, and the echos of those really great ones ease the pain on all but the darkes days....don't feel sorry for me, i don't...i hate the bad, but you will never feel the good of those great manic states, and there is no drug that comes even close to that feeling....especially when fed by having brought happiness to a person i love....i can go months off that feeing no sweat....i wish i could share one of my manic highs with all you who can never experience it, i like to share happiness...cool thing about having a bipolar girlfriend and my bipolar friends is we can share that manic high....if you happen to be somewhere and you see a small group of people glowing with joy for no apparent reason, you might want to talk to them....we always feel like we are glowing with it, and throwing an aura of pure biochemical goodness outaward, so you might get lucky, find we actually are and it rubs off a bit on you....of course on the flipside when you see us, usually alone and it's hurt/anger/pain we are radiating, just let us be....it sure ain't about you...while we may appear to hate the world, it is ourselves we are really hating at that moment, but will share if you insist.....being bipolar, has also taught me that i could never fear hell, and i don't fear physical pain at all, it never hurts as much as emotional pain...i also know when it comes to hurting me, don't waste your time, no can hurt me like i can...you are rank amatures in comparison, i am the pro at self loating and self inflicted mental anguish....my worst enemy, but also my best friend.....i'm stonger than you can imagine, weaker than a feather...and fucking nuts