Things I learned From Commercials

i have learned the following truths from commercials:

1) Domino's sell Pavlovs pizza now...if you are young, male, and you eat one of their philly cheessteak pizzas, you will from then on, pant while running mindlessly to the door when the bell rings...this will be accompanied by uncontrolable salivating...the pizza will be delivered by a smarmy, condescending delivery guy, who will insult you...the up side is you don't have to pay for the pizza or tip the delivery guy.

2) Dell intern is the best job in the world...your training takes months, you only work a few hours a day, you get to take road trips in a custom motor home, and you dictate marketing strategy for the company...SIGN ME UP FOR THAT JOB!

3) Women will dress to the nines, and then hang with their friends, dancing and singing, when it that time of the month...all your women friends will have their periods when you do.

4) All cars come equipped with a professional driver and can only driven by the professional on a closed course....why buy a car you can never drive.

5) KFC nuggets can defy the laws of physics, and can be safely caught on your mouth when dropped from great heights.

6) We all suffer from depression, genital herpes, acid reflux, high blood pressure, and more, but it's ok, because we only need to visit the doctor once, so he can write a stack of prescriptions to treat us...no more wasted time being diagnosed...don't sweat those adverse side effets, you will be smiling and having fun while suffering them.

7) Drinking cheap light beer will make you very attractive to supermodels.

8) If you like to be tormented by guys playing mind games on you with a vending machine, or enjoy your soda shaken, because it is delivered by a truck with a bone crunching sound system and hydraulics, which bounces down the road, then Vanilla Pepsi is your drink.

9) Women talk about gas at the salad bar, and then share Beano with their friends.

10) All Suvs can drive anywhere, under any conditions, and stay totally clean...4 wheel drive is not required to perform these feats.

11) You need a hardware expert to show you the difference between a lawn, and a rock filled road.

12) Verizon has tested their entire system with two uber-nerd optimization engineers and a chimpanzee...all this accomplished, with nothing more than a phone, except for the chimp who can do it with a banana...to think i wasted all those years learning rf engineering, and then cart around hundreds of pounds worth of insanely expensive test equipment for nothing.

13) Momma seems to be on vast amounts of traquilizers while using her clorox wipes.

14) Cleaning is glamorous, or at least mopping is, if you have the right mop.

15) If you are an aussie, and get written off of JAG, you are doomed to vaccuum up after kangaroos, which seem to like hopping about in clean kitchens.

16) Sears employees, at least the male ones, will strip to their underwear to sell a washer.

17) Everything is done to a techno soundtrack.

18) Penny's has one day only sales every other day...these sales are solely visited by wives who have married men who don't speak to them, and parent by reading the newspaper while ignoring their child.

19) Energizers batteries are filled with drunm playing rabbits.

20) You can get rich by owning a pay internet station...you will have to dress badly while servicing it, and collectiing your cash....and while the machine can only generate $15 and hour, this will make you wealthy???

there are so many more truths i have muddled up, forgot or not yet discovered, but i will watch some more tv, so i can absorb more of advertising wisdom, and then share it with you all...share yours with us.

Posted by Angstman at October 19, 2003 06:05 PM | TrackBack