bitten again my my own clumsiness last night...i was playing with one of our dogs, sir ranulf, 125 lbs of lovable yellow lab and while narrowly avoiding ripping half my hair out, tore off a fingernail below the quick...it goes like this:
we are on the floor crawling around on all fours, happily growling and pushing each other across the living room floor when i manage to get a big chunk of hair tangled in his tags and collar...fun instanly turns to panic as i am trying to pin him down and free myself, and he is trying to get free, as being pinned is not his favorite thing, especially when choking and sneezing because in my desperate manuvering i have wrapped my ponytail around his nose...so we are now flopping and rolling around the floor, him trying to breath and me trying to keep my hair...i finally get us stable enough to try freeing my hair, only to realize it hoplessly tangled in his collar...i then start trying to remove the tie holing my ponytail, and in the process catch a nail which in my paniced rush to get free tears off... ranulf, happy to be free is now jumping around, on me planting a paw on my face, which miraculously does not give me a black eye...final score:
Sir Ranulf 2
Me 0
oh well...no one to blame but myself...perhaps i will do better in the rematch...stay tuned for round two
so the jury took less than an hour to decide chante mallard guilty of murder...nice to see the justice system work once in a while...too bad they won't give her death...fucking bitch deserves to die...she still blames everyone and everything but herself...she says she is sorry and deserves to go to jail, but "i was high", "it was the drugs"...fuck you, you self centered waste of breath...it was not the drugs, it was you....you drive the car, you ran him down, and then you left him to die...as if that wasn't bad enough, you and your asshole friends tossed him away like a piece of trash...take responsibility for your actions and quit blaming others for what you cold heartedly did...and thank you so much for giving more ammo to the anti-drug assholes in the process...no we have to put up with ecstacy causes weak minded bitches to kill jaywalkers...ugh
they got it right, amazing...in a decision that restores my faith in the court, they struck down texas' sodemy law as unconstitutional...about fucking time...maybe our right to privacy will be respected some day soon...if you wonder, i am not gay, but i totally support people's right to be who they are without fearing persecution...so i rejoice the court righting a huge wrong inflicted by the not so great state of texas...two sad asides on this decision...first, no surprise that clarence "long dong silver" thomas disented, his comments however, were cruel and thoughtless even for him, the law was not "silly" you fucking creep, they were cruel and unfair...second, our not so illustrious governor, perry, bush's little lapdog, said he will abide by the courts decision, as if it were a matter of his choice and not a matter of law
everyone has at least one moment in their life where they wanted to die from embarrassment...and no not where you were the butt of some cruel "joke", but where you did/said something totally boneheaded or so klutzy that you wanted to sink through the floor...of course if you have a sense of humor, and don't take yourself too seriously, it frequently becomes a story you not only laugh at, but tell with relish...i have many really, because i am gifted with a mouth that frequently runs independently of my brain, am a complete klutz (my brother and sister are too), and have a knack for being in the wrong place at strange times...there is one story though, that is in it's own league, a stupendous sequence of clumsiness, bizarre misfortune, and circumstance that i must share...
here it is:
my second date, of sorts, with a woman from work i was very interested in...though a strange date, because it was to go watch monday night football at this semi yupped out bar/restraunt in west l.a. with a bunch of my friends...i'm nervous to begin with as i like her and don't want to scare her off, it finally dawns on me that this is s stupid idea for a second date to begin with halfway there...only one of my friends shows up (of 8) which only makes it worse in my eyes...despite this, we are having a good time, she does actually like football (no i hadn't thought to ask first), and seems to be having fun, so i start to relax, big mistake...i am also having a major allergy attack, and she is not put off, in fact is sympathetic, and i have miraculously managed to not sneeze on her or even myself, feeling good...foolish me...around the second beer, have to go pee, so does my friend, so she holds the fort...of course i'm asking him what he thinks of her, and if i'm not making a fool of myself...he thinks she is cool, and no i'm doing ok....i feel better
this is where disaster strikes...while peeing at a urinal, i start sneezing...i let out this huge sneeze, and there is this blinding flash of pain, and light...yes i did too, sneezed so hard i smacked my forehead dead center on the big nut connecting the pipe to the top of the urinal, and knocked myself out...next thing i'm aware of is that i have a blinding headache, my back and legs seem cold and a bit damp, everything looks fuzzy and bright...snap, suddenly i realize i am laying on the floor in front of the urinal with my dick hanging out of my pants, and i am either laying in water or peed on my self, my suit is prolly ruined, my friend is freaking, and there are about 20 men staring at me strangely...i convince my friend not to call an ambulence, get him to help me shakily to my feet and to the sink, and find upon looking in the mirror i have a perfect imprint of the damn nut in my forehead...at that moment i sincerely wished for death, i mean i can't even begin to think of how explain what happened without sounding like a total fool, and i can't even sneak out the back, no back, and besides we work together...i'm not only gonna lose the girl, but will have to find a new job
before i can even sort it all out she comes dashing into the mens room...of course the entire place knows some guy passed out on the men's room floor, and it has been so long (20 minutes by now) she figures it is me....dunno if she was just worried, or was coming to dump me, but there she is...it si right then i notice i have not only forgotten to zip my fly, but am still hanging in the breeze...while not dead, i am struck completely dumb, and paralysed with shame, so i just stand there with my jaw (and pants) open
it all worked out ok though...my friend told her what happened, and she didn't laugh, and better didn't pity me...never told a soul at work...drove me home, helped me get into the house, put me in bed, and even sat there all night to make sure i didn't need to go to the hospital....wow...it only took me about two years to laugh about the whole thing...what the hell it was funny, weird as hell, but funny
so, i told you mine, tell me yours...share the laughter and pain of your moment, so i know i'm not the only one
still trying to shake off one of THOSE family calls....my mom this time, alas...another one of way too many miscommunications with one of my parents that left them confused and upset, and me hanging up abruptly in desperation, trapped in another full blown anxiety attack...i really hate anxiety attacks, especially bad ones like this one, because i end up reduced to a stuttering, twitching mess, curled into the tight ball rocking untinl it goes away.....ugh...i hate feeling helpless in any way, let alone totally...
a little background to explain...i'm bipolar, somewhat adhd, have a slight seizure disorder (which is much worse when highly stressed emotionally). and since suffering a huge breakdown a few years ago, prone to anxiety attacks...yup i'm a mess...well not really, and not most of the time anymore, thanks to my girlfriend, who helped me claw my way out of suicidal depression...it takes a special person to put up with 18 months of that...i'm not a kid if you wonder, turned 44 this year (about 26 years longer than i expected, at least so far)...i also, as you guess have a less than desirable relationship with either of my parents, in fact with almost all of my family except my sibs, and couple of cousins
there are few subjects that my parents and i can discuss comfortably anymore, which makes me sad, them too i imagine...we all share blame for this, btw...there are some subjects, however that are truly traumatic (at least for me), money being the absolute worst...it's so bad for me now, that i will have anxiety attacks for days if i have to ask either of them for help...i hate having to ask, feel totally shitty about being unable to support myself, but i can't even think about trying to go back to work without ending up seriously depressed for a week or so...i don't like that either...don't like depending on other's generosity for survival, until the breakdown had worked and pretty much supported myself since 18, had jobs since 15 i think...i am proud of the fact i was able to do so for so long, as being bipolar and keeping jobs, especially ones that pay well are somewhat mutually exclusive...most employers expect you to show up at a certain time, not miss many days, and maintain a professional attitude, which i can't do...mind you i have always given my employers more, and better work than expected, or paid for
anyway, back to the point...despite my best efforts, and i do try, i would end up turning to them every 4 or 5 years for help...usually coinciding with depressive swings....i didn't know i was bipolar until my very late 20's and didn't tell them until early 30's, so for a long time i think they felt i was just irresponsible, and told me so, which btw made me feel like shit, esp b4 i knew why i was having trouble...well they do know now, in fact have for many years, yet very little has really changed in how they leave me feeling when forced to ask for help from them moneywise, thus the anxiety attacks
so the latest episode was spawned from needing to ask my mom to send a check to repay my girlfriends dad back for a visit to an eye specialist...i had to see two actually, first referred me to another for a second opinion...when i went to the first she offered to reimburse for both, but it was several weeks between visits, and when she didn't ask how much for the second visit afterwards (not really her fault, she prolly expected me to ask or tell her) i was trapped...three months later, i ask my brother (in passing during a call) to ask her if she could send a check, cause i'm freakin bigtime just thinking about asking, he does, but it gets garbled and she thinks i need money for a new dental problem (which does not exist), so she calls me to find out whats up
i start to panic once i realise what has happened, and within seconds i'm doomed...what upsets me about this, is what happens once the anxiety attack starts clamping down, because instead of letting it go, she starts pressing and this makes it much worse...she gets confused, then upset, and i lose almost two days recovering...the last few minutes go something like this:
mom-chris (my brother) said you need money for dental work, what's wrong with your teeth
me-uh, uh, uh, uhuh,uh (in my head, oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck)
mom-he didn't know what's wrong, what do you need
me-muh,muh,muh,muh, n,n,n,n,n,n,n
mom-it's ok, you can tell me
me-neh,neh,neh,neh,neh
mom-really it's ok, i don't mind helping with medical bills...
me-nuh, nuh nuh, t,t,t,t,t,t..wwwwwww
(this for about two minutes, then)
me-nuthing wrong with my teeth, nnnnnnnnevermind
mom-no, no, tell me
(another two minutes,i finally force it out)
me-yuh,yuh,yuh,you,seh,seh,seh,uh,uh,uh,when i saw the,the,the first doctor that yuh,yuh,yuh,yuh, wu,wu,wu,wu,would p,p,p,p,p,pay f,f,f,for,buh,buh,buh,both,vi,vi...(i am twitching like made and almost in tears at this point)
mom-of course, why didn't you just ask
(now i'm completely freaked)
me-beh,beh,beh,ebcause,wuhwuhwuhwhen you di,di,di,didn't a,a,a,a,a,ask how muh muh muh muh, much after the seh,seh,sehcond, i i i i i i, cuh cuh cuh (in my head i am now just creaming incoherently)
(this is where it gets really ugly)
mom-we never really talk about money issues, i don't mind helping with medical bills, but feel that you sort of use us as a cushion with your other requests, and i don't know if just sending you money is helpful to you, you know i feel it may make it harder for you to be responsible with your money (this was maybe fair, tho mean, when she didn't know i was bipolar...but cuts to the bone now, as she knows how bad things have been for me the last few years, and that i barely survived them)
me-uh,uh,uh,uh,uh (completely panic striken and wanting to end this conversation)
mom-it's ok, we should talk about this, we haven't in a long time
me-nuh,nuh,nuh,nuh
mom-it's ok we really should, you don't need to feel bad
me-(must end call, must tell her must end call, can't talk, help me please, make it stop, please,please,please)
(after another two million years of agony)
me-cuh,cuh,cuh,i,i,i, can'tdothisrightnowigottago (hangup)
i felt like shit, cause i know she is hurt cause i just more or less hung up, but what the hell am i supposed to do...i'm upset cause i feel she should have figured out that my increasing distress is saying, BACK OFFF THIS PLEASE...i never stuttered until the last few years, so it seems an obvious signal of distress...maybe it's just me (no it isn't, because my gf agrees) that if you care about someone, you don't push in a situation like that....my parents are not ignorent of the medical issues here, my dad is a doctor, and my mom suffered bad depression after their divorce, do they think i am making it up, or that i am just trying to get them in some way...i DON"T FUCKING UNDERSTAND...
i wonder what life is like in a functional family
my friends and i have this disturbing habit of supplying each other with crack...not the sort you smoke, the digital kind....games, rpg mostly....what is he talking about you think to yourself....if you game you know what i'm talking about...if you don't, trust me when i tell you they are as addictive as crack, and fuck your life up just as badly....once you're hooked, you're toast...forget your life, family, and friends....you will spend every waking moment (and many should be sleeping) playing without a break...you might force yourself to go to work, must have electricity after all, but you aren't working, just counting time till you can go home, and playing in your head...
so what is the first thought once you can think again?...i've got to get my friends hooked....and we do...spreading the latest crack gospel, and ruining their lives too (what are friends for after all)...one of my closest friends just move to cali *sigh*, but before he did we traded flavors one last time...he got me first, turning me on to neverwinter nights, which has totally taken control of my waking (and a few sleeping) hours, thank you
this isn't all bad, btw...it provides refuge from life's hard edge, and becomes one more of the good things friends share forever...can't speak for anyone else, but my good memories never fade away...heh, hard to sit at the computer for any reason and not be nudged by one...glad this is where i work, and play
too many thoughts in my head....can't think....can't focus....it's all muddled together...damn this new toy...this always happens...start an entry, write a few thoughts, go nowhere, change subject, repeat....ugh....maybe later, maybe tomorrow or the next day...stay tuned, please...i promise to really have something coherent to say soon (i hope)...must log out now to preserve sanity (mine) (yours too, probably)....kgjefrd'lbgkn
almjgv/dbbsin FHEGGGGGGGGGGG
well, here i go again...having decided that sleep is highly overrated, and despite having too much on my plate, twisted logic dictates that i create a new platform to bitch and moan from, rather than fix any of my existing ones....so here it is, the new, perhaps even improved Angst-du-Jour...i'm hoping that using a blogger will streamline the process of airing whatever is crawling around in my head....welcome back to those of you who patronized the previous incarnations, and welcome to those who haven't....same old content, new format...questions???
answers:
will you be adding your previous angst from, visualangst/rants diaryland and such...yes, sooner or later
what do write about in here...anything that catches my attention, is screaming to get out of my head, amuses, saddens or matters to me
so this is serious, boring stuff...serious, yes mostly, but hopfully never boring, and maybe even amusing, humerous, perhaps sarcastic, ya never know
you're rambling again...yup, i try and stick to a topic, but my writing hops around as much as my thoughts, so more like a thread or stream which hopefully makes sense when complete, but who knows
will i be offended...at least once i'm sure, but that is up to you..my blog, my opinions...agree with me or not, it's ok by me, but i'm not gonna change how or what i say to please anyone except myself
express my agreement/disagreement with your entries...you betcha...have at it, tho do so at your own risk...i'm open minded, but have a low tolerance for witless comments, and if you insist on making a fool of yourself i won't stop you
rules?...i decide what gets seen