Well it's official...this is 101 journal entries....wasn't sure i would ever hit that number...100 comments is very close too....wonder how long the next 100 will take me to hit...i suppose that depends on how manic i feel, and how much screams at me to write about.
ahhh, how satisfying to read that one of those bastard pedophile catholic ex-priests was killed in prison....while i do agree with the attorney for the victims that he should have suffered years in prisong, i can't say i feel this was unsatisfactory at all....maybe i am petty, but i hope it was a slow death, and am glad he is dead.....hope the rest meet equally fitting ends....doesn't make up in any way for what he did, but at least we can be sure he will never do it again, and that is the really important part
well a bit late in writing this i guess, but love when the day starts with a great laugh....i love a clever comic and sunday's paper had two in truly fine form....."Pearls Before Swine" had me laughing to tears today....a twisted commentary that so matches some things i have said, if in a different way....the best part is the two frames of rat's laughing followed by his parting comment....."Foxtrot" was also in classic form....while Jason's changes to the teleprompter were great, the mental image of the steel cage judo death match between bill gates and linus torvald was swwet and the thought of wolf blitzer mindlessly reciting fear me in klingon had me going for about five minutes...wish they were all so funny every day, but i guess it does make the great ones that much funnier.
today's ration of stuff
Quaylism:
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
This Is Why Most People Should Stay Out Of The Forest. Actual Comments Left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by hikers completing wilderness camping trips.
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
another infant died after being left in the car. what is it going to take to keep this from happening. by the child car driver again. i simply do not understand how you can forget that there is a child in the back, lock up and leave them there to roast. this was his fucking job. no way do you excuse forgetting to do what you are paid to be doing, and been there in the first place. even worse are the parents who do this. i can see forgetting to leave your book or cigarettes, but your child? then, i have never understood parents who abuse, or ignore their children either. maybe i'm weird, but my daughter has always been more important to me than anything else. i would always rather spend time with her than watch tv, and it crushed me the few times i had to punish her. maybe some engineering genius can design a device that smacks these people upside the head every time their focus wanders from what should be their first thought. the daycare ones, are worse in one way for sure. all the news is on how they will prosecute the guy, as if this will make things better for the poor woman who is probably out of her mind with grief and guilt for trusting them to do their job, and stealing her baby. to top it all off, you know there are at least a few ghouls, masquerading as reporters, just foaming at the mouth to ask the most thoughtlessly obvious of questions like; "How Do You Feel About Your Baby Dying". hrmmm. well gee i don't know, let be stick the fireplace poker in your gut and spin it a few times and tell me, dipshit?
i forgot the daily humor stuff, and imersed myself in seriousness...much needed change of pace, back to the daily silliness...today we have
Quaylism:
I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
Questions Actually Asked Of Park Rangers At Carlsbad Caverns:
"How much of the cave is underground?"
"So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?"
"Does it ever rain in here?"
"So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?"
Quotes from History EXams And papers of 7th - 12th Grade Students:
"The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense."
"Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head."
"Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes."
"The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system."
"Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies, and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'"
"Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe."
"The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this."
"Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead."
"Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms."
"Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel."
"Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English."
"Bach died from 1750 to the present."
"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this."
"[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children."
"The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West."
"Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years."
"Queen Victoria's reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality."
"Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign."
"Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis."
"Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices."
"It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance."
"Without Greeks, we wouldn't have history."
"One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable."
"Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey."
"Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name."
"In the Olympics Games, Greeks ran races jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java."
"The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands."
"When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men."
"Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks."
"The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled."
i consider myself lucky, because i grew up at a time and in places where education was still focused more on teaching children how to think, that basic concepts must be grasped to understand application of them, and that how to find information was a basci necessity...in the fifth grade we were introduced to a game called "The Prpaganda Game" in class to help us develop skills in logical thinking and debate. I have a great teacher that year, she believed learning should be fun, and interesting, which would encourage us to want to learn, rather than hating it....she was right....the game was very challenging, and while the rules were fairly siimple, learning and understanding the techniques and concepts were not, but it was fun, and it changed my entire way of looking at things...like most good games it is still available, though hard to find.
the game is designed to teach you how to recognize techniques of persuasion, otherwise known as propaganda...the techniques are brken into six sections, and each section had 8 to 10 techniques tied by the general method of the section.
Section A
Techniques of Self-Deception
1. Prejudice
2. Academic Detachment
3. Drawing the Line
4. Not Drawing the Line
5. Conservatism, Radicalism, Moderatism
6. Rationalization
7. Wishful Thinking
8. Tabloid Thinking
9. Causal Oversimplication
10. Inconceivability
Section B
Techniques of Language
1. Emotional Terms
2. Metaphor and Simile
3. Emphasis
4. Quotation Out of Context
5. Abstract Terms
6. Vagueness
7. Ambiguity
8. Shift of Meaning
Section C
Techniques of Irrelevance
1. Appearance
2. Manner
3. Degrees and Titles
4. Numbers
5. Status
6. Repetition
7. Slogans
8. Technical Jargon
9. Sophistical Formula
Section D
Techniques of Exploitation
1. Appeal to Pity
2. Appeal to Flattery
3. Appeal to Ridicule
4. Appeal to Prestige
5. Appeal to Prejudice
6. Bargain Appeal
7. Folksy Appeal
8. Join the Bandwagon Appeal
9. Appeal to Practical Consequences
10. Passing from the Acceptable to the Dubious
Section E
Techniques of Form
1. Concurrency
2. Post Hoc
3. Selected Instances
4. Hasty Generalization
5. Faulty Analogy
6. Composition
7. Division
8. Non Sequitur
Section F
Techniques of Maneuver
1. Diversion
2. Disproving a Minor Point
3. Ad Hominem
4. Appeal to Ignorance
5. Leading Question
6. Complex Question
7. Inconsequent Argument
8. Attacking a Straw Man
9. Victory by Definition
10. Begging the Question
a good basic description of the techniques, and an introduction decribing the rational for the game can be found here , and you can order the game directly from WFF 'N PROOF if this has you curious to play....the more you play the easier it becomes to recognize when the techniques are being used, and they are used everywhere, especially in politics and advertising...what the game really teaches is the basics of applied psychology and mass psychology, which are the core tools used by governments and advertisers to sway, bend or shape perception, occlude truth or say nothing at all while appearing to say a lot...it got my interest, and i ended up reading quite a bit over the years on the subject, even took a couple of classes, and it definately taught me to really pay attention to how things are phrased, and to what was not mentioned as much as what was said, to determine what is actually being said....politicians speeches are especially fun...good ones can spend an hour saying nothing at all of substance while appearing to say exactly what their target audience wants to hear....they also frequently seem to be promising much while in reality never providing a clear message....check it out, it won't hurt you, though you may not like what you see...or just dismiss me as a conspiracy theory nutcase, sit back in fromt of your tv, and let them tell you what to think, buy, and value
while i enjoy a good (as opposed to endless), i am getting bored with how so many of the self proclaimed conservatives mangling the english language, assuming that my unwillingness to waste my time (due to my admittedly poor typing skills) to correctly capitalize, and format my comments using proper grammar, proves that i am incapable of clear thought, and unable to formulate a coherent point...that because i disagree with the status quo, i am smoking crack, a nutcase, illiterate, and uneducated...while this is probably a futile waste of time, i thought i would attempt to provide you all with the reasons i use various words to label myself, and am puzzled why so many of you think they are an insult, and use much less accurate or unflattering words to label yourselves.
why do i use the name angstman...i am a man, and here is the definition (from The American HeritageŽ Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000.) of angst: A feeling of anxiety or apprehension often accompanied by depression.
angst is a common state of mind for me, it provides much of the motivation that drives me to write this journal, and i am not, no see any reason to feel embarassed or ashamed of labeling myself as Angstman...i prefer to go by usernames that accurately reflect or decribe me or my views, are not profane, childish or pedantic...it fits all those criteria, and as good usernames should, protects my privacy, is easy for me to remember, and is unique.
The American HeritageŽ Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition defines liberal as:
1a. Not limited to or by established, traditional, orthodox, or authoritarian attitudes, views, or dogmas; free from bigotry. b. Favoring proposals for reform, open to new ideas for progress, and tolerant of the ideas and behavior of others; broad-minded.
and
2a. Tending to give freely; generous
and also
1. A person with liberal ideas or opinions.
when i call myself liberal, it is with these definitions in mind...to me these are desirable characteristics for a person to have, reflect many of the ideals the us was founded upon, are why i believe that i can learn something from every person i meet, and that i will never quit learning until the day i die (and maybe not even then)...maybe those who use the word liberal as if it were an insult, simply don't know the definition, or fear the unknown, or are too lazy to think for themselves.
The American HeritageŽ Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition defines conservative as:
1. Favoring traditional views and values; tending to oppose change. 2. Traditional or restrained in style: a conservative dark suit. 3. Moderate; cautious: a conservative estimate.
strangely enough, i really don't find these to be diagreeable things in general, although i feel that while many traditional views and values are good, having restraint in style is also good, and being moderate and cautious are necessary survival traits, opposing change is futile, as things will always change, because not changing leads to stagnation...the problem for me is that these values are too inflexible to be desirable as ones entire outlook, unless a person is trying to live firmly in the past...some of my views are quite conservative, i believe that moderation is more saner than excess most of the time, and totally lacking caution is foolish at best, but life often demand that you accept change, forgo moderation once in a while, and be bold or be left behind...you may not agree, it is your right, but i think that adopting a totally conservative outlook is only going to make a person unhappy.
there has been a battle being waged in Pilot Point, Texas over art and ignorance, that proves once again that while you can't fight city hall, you can poke it in the eye...in the town is an art gallery, the owner commissioned a local artist to paint a mural on the exterior wall...the artist, a woman, painted eve in the garden of eden and the arm of god...i'm guessing a tribute of sorts to the famous painting in the sistene chapel...i liked the piece myself and while eve is nude it is done in the style of the great masters, and is certainly not obscene by any sane person's standards.
of course the powers that be in pilot point are not sane, and declaring it not only obscene, but a violation of the law, because it is public and children are being exposed to the obscenity...under threat of prosecution he was ordered to remove it, or cover eve's breasts, so that the kids would not be corrupted....appealing, and losing, he found a wonderfully ironic method to comply and stay out of jail...eve's offending breasts are now covered by a strip od painted crime scene tape....three cheers for this inventive solution...i bet most of the narrow minded twits, including the police chief, will miss the message here, but the rest of us can enjoy the joke, while crying over the stupidity of the entire incident.
my girlfriend did the coolest thing ever done for a memeber of my family, and one of the nicest things i have ever seen some one do period....both her and my brother are huge david bowie fans, she found this out when they met last year and spent hours talking about him...she being a big fan, had found bowie's web site a couple of years ago and of course immediately signed up for membership...this allows her access to all sorts of cool bowie stuff and she gets a regular newsletter, with updates, info, and some occasional offers...i have to say that while liking his music, i also became a fan upon discovering how much bowie truly loves his fans...unlike most artist with sites, he actively participates with his site and the members...he answers emails, offers oppotunities for his fans to show their talents, and provides them feedback and support...he also regularly throws small private shows for them.
that's right small private concerts, with tickets made available only to his fans...so my girlfriend got a special announcement via email he would be doing a show at a nightclub in poughkipsie, as a tune up for his upcoming tour, and there were about 300 tickets, which could only be purchased by members via the site....she went ahead and immediately grabbed a pair, and then asked me if i thought my brother and his wife would like to go....answer is of course yes...so we call my brother that night and asked if he would like the tickets and would be able to go....turns out that they were going to be about 15 min from there on vacation that week, and he said yes, thought at first he thought we were kidding...when got it all explained he was floored, as he had never been able to see bowie live....well the show was tuesday and he called last night and could hardly find words to describe how incredible it was...they got to sit about 20 feet from the stage and he said that it was the most amzing experience he had ever had...his wife swears it was the best concert she has ever seen and both wanted us to know this is a night they will treasure forever...i can't ever thank my girlfriend enough for giving this priceless gift to them and me...knowing that those i love are happy always brings me joy, and being part of making them happy even more so...her gift was a pure thoughtful act of generosity, and straight from the heart....the only reason was because she thought they might enjoy it, and even though she barely knows them, she wanted to do something nice for them, because she knows how much i love my brother...i must be the luckiest man walking the earth to have found, and been accepted as worthy by her...she truly is an awsome woman, and i can not even imagine life without her in it any more....thank you corrinne for wanting me in your life, your strenght, and generosity, and spirit inspire me, and keep me going.
man i saw this one coming for quite a while...sometimes being right sucks, and this was one of those times for sure...as if the unfortunate military souls our asshole president stranded didn't already have enough to deal with, as of yesterday suicide bombers are now added to the top of their worry list...i wonder how many will die before our fearless (well at least when it is others at risk) leader admits he screwed the pooch again, and either starts doing something to really help the iraqis, or gives up and brings our people home, not that home is safe anymore either...alas, i am pretty sure that we will be enjoying suicide bombers soon too.
bush either has no foresight, or just ignores it completely, either way we are now well and truly fucked...i can't believe that somewhere in either the white house or the pentagon was a voice of reason saying, let's have a plan for constructive action after the war was won...after all that we would win was a sure bet, so why not spend an extra week or so and plan how we help to make life better for them, so they become our friends, instead of of just having everyone stand around with their thumbs up their asses while lotters destroy whatever they want, except for the oil of course...by pretty much proving through our actions that we didnt give a fuck about anything but getting the oil, we now have millions more people who hate us...and just like our wimp leader, they have plenty of old cowards who twist their religion, or beliefs into the old saw, where our way is the only true way, so if you aren't aboard this bus, you aren't really a person, so it just peachy to kill them, cause the word of god as interpreted by my twisted view says you are not commiting a sin...you are a warrior of the light...of course our versions of bin laden run around here painting all muslims as evil, thus creating another endless cycle of death and atrocity.
and to think people are surprised, shocked and often apalled, before judging me as doomed, because i want nothing to do with organized religion...i respect a person right to believe as they will, but don't people learn history, or does it just pass in one side and out the other...most of the worst acts and behavior of humans, at least in the western world were done in the name of god...the truly stupid part being that muslims and jews, and christians have been killing each other for about 2,000 years now, in the name of god, which is the same god for them all...funny how inane points of interpretation cause god's people to blow off his first rule at the drop of a hat....then it really isn't a shock because most people seem to pay little more than lip service to their religion anyway...some of the core values are ok, but i think god was on drugs or is a raving psychopath...the old testament is a pretty grim piece of work...and this doesn't even account for the fact that no sane god allows children to be molested....don't even try and pass that off as anything but sick and fucking wrong, because if you are omnipotent, and good in any way you stop that shit, hard, period...maybe i'm gonna go to hell for believing this, but hey i will gladly burn for eternity before condoning that in any way, and understand this, if you accept it, for any reason, you condone it, and are no better than the person who does it, god, or sick fuck, or parental sick fuck.
One more thing...i decided if i must be something, and thusly tarred by the actions of nimrods who don't even understand what the word they use to define their politics, i am renouncing my liberal status and going back to being an anarchist...if i am gonna be called crazy for keeping an open mind, might as well get called crazy for rejecting the entire concept of being governed at all...i don't need their, or your guidance and rules to tell right from wrong, and i actually understand that i am responsible for my behavior, and the consequences of it...no doubt this will draw the wrath or the ignorant, as most people seem to no longer understand the words they use...after all those of you incapable of grasping simple concept that pagans can not possibly satanist, won't be able to understand that anarchists are people who believe that resonsible adults should need to be governed and regulated by rules and conventions that have nothing to do with right or justice.
well an odd playlist for an odd frame of mind....
April Wine - Sign Of The Gypsy Queen
Joan Armatrading - I Love It When You Call Me Names
The Tubes - What Do You From Life
Concrete Blonde - Bloodletting
Aerosmith - Nobody's Fault
Aerosmith - Seasons Of Wither
BOC - Godzilla
BOC - Don't Fear The Reaper
Gary Hoey - Hocus Pocus (Insanity Mix)
Ted Nugent - Hey Baby
Monkees - Steppingstone
Arlo Guthrie - Comin Into Los Angeles
The Hollies - Bus Stop
The Hollies - Long Cool Woman In A Black Dress
The Hollies - The Mighty Quinn
The Band - Up On Cripple Creek
The Band - The Weight
The Band - The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down
Traffic - The Low Spark Of High Heeled Boys
Fiona Apple - Shadowboxer
Portishead - Scorn (Glory Box Remix)
The Blasters - Dark Night
Tito And Tarantula - Strange Face of Love
Joe Cocker - The Letter
this Electric Venom:ENOUGH! is why the internet sucks ass all too often....i don't even have words to describe how much this type of cruelty disturbs me....is there no place on the net anymore where adults can socialize without having to be victimized by small mean people, who hate themselves so much, they have to inflict pain on others to try and feel better....
i have been victimized by these types before...they ruined usenet, irc, and forums....i despise you weak sorry fuckers, who think that hiding behind a keyboard makes breing a viscious fucking snake ok...IT ISN'T....if there were justice, all you cowardly mutants would be dumped on some remote island where you could only victimize your bretheren, though you would probably just cower in fear and hide....i know i waste my time, but i throw down the gauntlet...get up from your chair, and come find me and tell me to my face i am wrong...try and beat your point of view into me, i dare you...we don't fear you, we just despise you, you are weak and pathetic...you want to be truly brave, do some really hard, come live with surviving the mess you made...i dare you to survive what you did to her, you can't, you know you can't, i know kate will survive this, she is obviously strong enough to do so, but she should have to
about a month ago i posted this Stating The Stupidly Obvious , and last week while still sick recieved the comment from Brian Bunch...i'm not sure if this is a troll or just some weird ass twist of fate, but as you see i was unable to decide what response was appropriate...so i ask you, my loyal readers to help me resolve this crisis....what is the right response here?????
lucky california voters....as my girlfriend's dad told me, only you can actually vote for small government...elect gary coleman...can't get much smaller than that
made another miniscule change to the links column...ok two really....i added a border to the powered by block, and swapped it with the syndicated block...think it is more balanced that way....i have also started addimg more links to non blog sites my friends have up if any thought i had none, there is now prooof.....also have added two bran spankin new photomanipulations to the Photomanipulations Album in the WickdArts Design Gallery for any of you who would like to see them...one is called Hard Snow and the other The Triplets. Both started out as some black and white photos i took last winter when it snowed...it snowed just long enough to get a nice thin cover, and i got the pics snapped in the little time before it melted....let me know what you think...oh btw, a reminder for those of you who visit the gallery, please leave comments concerning my artwork in the gallery...there is a link available under the image, when you view it full size, that opens a comment submission window...commenting is enabled for all the albums, the only drawback is you can only attach comments to individual images...so if you are feeling really verbose, comment away, as many times, on as many images as you feel up to....thanks in advance....feedback is important, as it helps me improve my artistic skills.
well now that i have exorcised my demons, here is some more silly ass shit to lighten the mood....today's stuff:
Quaylism:
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
Pun:
In the middle ages, there was a science called Alchemy. It was the forerunner of chemistry, and many men tried their luck with it, as it was believed that you could do things like turn lead into gold.
These high hopes were eventually dashed, but the practice did turn up some suprising findings.
For example, it was discovered that if you put some ordinary looking herbs into sea water when the moon is full, it would instantly vanish.
After all: thyme in tide waits for no man.
A List:
Things I've Learned From Movies
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of operating systems or configuations.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
the last few weeks have been a real bitch....had this thing, which would not go away, depite 3 visits to the dr, many antibiotics, and learning that i can add both ambien and progesterone to my long list of drugs that i will never take again due to unpleasant side effects...ambien seems to turn my into a twitching, spastic wreck, instead of putting me to sleep, and the progesterone made me miserable in several ways instead of helping....sigh...2 days ago, my girlfriend suggests that the fact i had not gotten any decent sleep for two weeks might be me from getting well, which totally made sense.
she also pointed out that my sleeplessness, and thashing about in bed, which was causing her to not sleep might not really be flu, but anxiety or depression....the lightbulb snapped on and i realize she is so totally right...then i wonder how i missed that thought....one of her klonapin, and a full night of sleep, plus seeing an old friend, then having a wonderful talk with her after getting home, i know she nailed it right on....i feel kinda dumb for missing those little signs, as i have know i'm bipolar for 15+ years and normally am totally aware of my mental state without needing a reminder...maybe the flu and lack of sleep masked it, i don't know...thankful she got me back on track tho, as that day had been horrible...being bipolar is odd....i'm sure most people who are not, think it is bad, or that a figment of our imagination....while long dpressive states are bad (what an understatement), as are some manic states, for me being bipolar is just a fact of my life...it is rarely dull, never predictable, but has great moments and i don't think i could be normal comfotrtably now....i'm lucky, because i have had great friends there for me over the years, and i generally don't swing too far from center....i also have this great girlfriend, who also being bipolar, understands me, and better yet accepts me as i am.
back to the depression thing here....for me, and every person i have known at all well who is bipolar, depression is part of life...the sucky part but part for sure....depression is especially bad the longer it lasts, because it weakens resolve, and drains your will to live....i want you to understand, that i will never willing commit suicide, i know how cruel that is to people who care....and i don't think most bipolar peeps really feel too much differently, it's more a loss of caring if you live, and weariness from the crushing weight of pain, which makes you blase about living rather than actively trying to die...for instance, when it is bad , as it was the other day, driving is a struggle to not just let go of the wheel and see what happens, or if i were criossing the street, i probably would n't run out the way of that semi, but then again wouldn't walk in front of it on purpose...just don't care....we all seem to be somewhat of risk takers in various ways....everyone i know would never hesititate to run in front of a speeding bus trying to save a child pet or friend....it's not bravery, just don't fear death, and value those we love much more than we value our selves....we think about dying alot, compared to normal people too i think....for me good day i olny think about dying 2 or 3 times...those very rare great days not at all....normal days i guess the thought crosses my mind about once an hour, bad days, it sticks in my head nonstop...i'm used to that, anhd i don't need protection from myself, because as i said i won't kill myself, i have survived two extremely long crushing depressive episodes of over a year and am still around so i'm sure i will be for some time yet....i do wish the hurt would go away and never come back, as i am tired, you get very tired of hurting....i live for the good days/hours....they make up for the pain, and the echos of those really great ones ease the pain on all but the darkes days....don't feel sorry for me, i don't...i hate the bad, but you will never feel the good of those great manic states, and there is no drug that comes even close to that feeling....especially when fed by having brought happiness to a person i love....i can go months off that feeing no sweat....i wish i could share one of my manic highs with all you who can never experience it, i like to share happiness...cool thing about having a bipolar girlfriend and my bipolar friends is we can share that manic high....if you happen to be somewhere and you see a small group of people glowing with joy for no apparent reason, you might want to talk to them....we always feel like we are glowing with it, and throwing an aura of pure biochemical goodness outaward, so you might get lucky, find we actually are and it rubs off a bit on you....of course on the flipside when you see us, usually alone and it's hurt/anger/pain we are radiating, just let us be....it sure ain't about you...while we may appear to hate the world, it is ourselves we are really hating at that moment, but will share if you insist.....being bipolar, has also taught me that i could never fear hell, and i don't fear physical pain at all, it never hurts as much as emotional pain...i also know when it comes to hurting me, don't waste your time, no can hurt me like i can...you are rank amatures in comparison, i am the pro at self loating and self inflicted mental anguish....my worst enemy, but also my best friend.....i'm stonger than you can imagine, weaker than a feather...and fucking nuts
a few days ago, while miserably sick, i was sleeping on the couch....this was because i was having difficulty falling asleep, and was thrashing about in bed, which was keeping my poor girlfriend from sleeping too...so i tried to sleep on the couch...we have this odd cat, btw...he is about 10, small (maybe7 lbs), who wandered in from the road years ago as a 4 week old kitten and stayed...his name is spaz, and he has the loudest fucking meow i have ever heard...he is normally quiet until he wants something (usually out), then he starts to meow....one or two moderately quiet ones, and then he starts cranking them out with increasing volume and frequency...just like an alarm clock....so there i am, sort of alseep, and having a very odd dream, which i can't recall when the alarm cat goes off...being sick, groggy and confused, i start flailing around behind my head for the alarm, which of course is in the other room on the headboard where it belongs...obviously the alarm is now getting louder and faster and i still am not aware that i'm not in the bed and that this is the cat, not alarm, begin thrashing spaticly around in a frantic daze trying to shut the damn thing off...this results in my knoing seveal things off the side table, and then falling off the couch , which wakes me up...though it takes another couple of minutes to sort out, that the cat is the noise, i wasn't dreaming, and i must do something to appease him so he will stop...my fuzzy brain connects the dots, i tumble to my feet, walk to the door, so of course the damn cat runs into the kitchen...we play ring around the kitchen a few times bfore i finally catch hime and put him outside....i am now of course wide awake, at 7 in the morning, no hope of falling back asleep and confused as hell, because i can't shake the thought that this was all some deranged dream...nope just another day it seemed....thankfully the thrashing tapered off, so i'm back to sleeping in the bed, but one thing is for sure....i will take an alarm clock over that new fangled alarm cat anytime....he has no sleep button, and you have to chase him to shut his alarm off, which is not how i like waking up at all.
got to hang out for a few hours last night with my first real best friend...Clark, whom i had not seen in over 15 years and then only for a couple of days and probably 10 years before then, was my best friend back in the dark days of high scool and for several years after....it was amazing seeing him again, and discovering that despite the years our friendship was as strong as ever...alas, he is only in town for 3 days on business and will not have any more free time before leaving, but i think we will be talking a lot more again...and after all is only a 14 hour drive to his home, so may just drop in one day.
i feel very lucky to have had several best friends in my life, and i realize now that time and distance can never break those bonds...i miss you all very much and hope that things allow me hang with all you again...i have corrinne, ny girlfriend and best friend here, but clark, greg, geoff, jeoff, roger, and marla all live far away and i only hope we find the way to hook up and catch up....i am blessed , i think by having had so many in one life, but they have all proved to be the best possible friends i could have ever hoped or asked for....you have all stood by my, seen me at my best and worst, and never betrayed my trust...each of you at some time has been there for me when i most needed you to be, and listened to my deepest fears, and darkest secrets, and never judged me, or more importantly, deserted me....it really amazes me that you all found me worthy of your friendship, and put up with me as a friend...i think i am not a bad person, but i am a difficult person to have as a friend....being bipolar makes me very unpredictable and often prone to unpleasant bursts of temper, and long spells of depression, which can't be fun to be around....i can't thank you all enough for bring there, for the things you tought me, your help in becoming the person i am, and for your love and friendship....thank you, i love you all
sad news this last weekend...it appears that the last show has been performed at the bronco bowl, ending an era, a legendary venue, but thankfully leaving fond memories....an odd venue for sure, it was the only combination bowling alling 3,00 seat auditorium, and night club i know of....those of you lucky enough to have seen a show there understand how awsome it was...i think the bowl was one of the top auditoriums in the world to see live shows....intimate, great sight lines and the best fucking sound, it hosted every type of concert imaginable...many greats played here, but the place holds two very special memories for me.
i saw my first techno show/party/whatever there, thenks to my very good friend Geoff, us both being in serious need of fun and cheering up, some spare cash, and his insistance i would have fun....damn was he ever right...saw crystal method and orbital, and it was one of the best shows i have ever seen, and that's saying a lot...i bought us tix on the spur of the moment, at the last minute, made plans to have our friend jeoff, drive us in geoffs car, so we could get fucked up with no worries, grabbed our friend allison and went....geoff accidently left his ticket in the car, which was long gone by the time we realized it...so alli and i found him a scalped ticket, and in we went...i had no idea what to expect, really didn't...turned out dj john kelly was spinning in between sets, and he had the crowd pumped by the time the opening act started...a group who's one song on the radio i hated, but somehow in there it became magic...i looked over to see the most beautiful smile on geoff's face, erasing weeks of depressive bs for both of us...before i knew ithe and i were up dancing, dragging alli up to join us and we never stopped until the show ended 8 hours later....i never stopped smiling neither did he or alli....poor jeoff got stuck driving 3 grinning, rolling, babbling, and in the case of me and me and geoff very manic peeps home, getting an incoherent blow by blow of the night...great intro to the rave culture, the happiest, funnest crowd i'd ever seen...and friendly as hell....thank you so much geoff, allison, and jeoff for that night, and thank you bronco bowl.
my other special memory is from the canyon club, which is the nightclub/bar in the bronco bowl...two very good friends of mine, mila and phil, payed me the enormous compliment of asking me to perform their wedding ceremony, which took place in the canyon club...they made me feel very special and loved by asking me to be such a key part of their wedding...it was totally fun, a bit unusual, and one of the best nights in my life for sure...this despite being so dumbfounded by seeing mila in a dress for the first time i was rendered speechless and forgot everything i was planning to say for the ceremony...thankfully her dad stepped on her veil, yanking it off her head, which she took in stride, which gave me enough time to collect my few wits and speak what i think (hope at least) a short, but nice and from the heart ceremony...it must have been ok, as their relatives spent the entire reception trying to understand why i have no ministry, what my actual religeon was, and how i had been ordained....a few even tried to convince me to come guest sermon at their church, which i politely declined, as it would have been inappropriate.
so while the bronco bowl is soon to be torn down to build a home depot, as if we need another...i have my memories, which no one can tear down, and they take the sadness of losing the bowl away.
if you wonder....i was ordained on line by the ulc, which is legal, i can perform weddings and such in 48 states, and am legally an ordained minister, you can call me brother, or whatever....i take this seriously though....i am a spiritual rather than religeous person, and will gladly perform a wedding ceremony if ever asked for friends, but not for money, and never again casually...the gift given first by jeff and sarah, and then by mila and phil of marrying them, are too special and precious to me to be careless and marry friends who don't value it as i did with ralph and sarah, or for money ever again....i understand this now and while can'tase those mistakes, prefer to simply cherish the two times it really meant something, meant so very much...thanks jeff and sarah, for my first, and mila and phil for the second, and the great bowl memory....love you guys all
well back again, hopefully for real this time....damn flu kicked mah ass after thought i wuz getting better...feelin better now and got my playlist set for some writing .
playlist tonite:
crystal method - trip like i do
crystal method - high roller
delerium - twilight
aphex twin - outside
portishead - waiting for the night
crystal method - keep hope alive (trip hope mix)
moloko - fun for me
rabbit in the moon - drunk as a monk
underworld - cowgirl
ak1200 - drowning
aphrodite - urban jungle (underworld roughed up mix)
underworld - king of snake (fatboy slim remix)
brooklyn bounce - bass, beats & melody (pulsedriver mix)
orbital - satan (live in ny)
aquagen - stanley (warp brothers remix)
chemical brothers - block rockin beats
liquid bass - in full effect
vengaboys - boom boom boom boom (brooklyn bounce boombastic remix)
avancada - jump, pump, break (warp brothers terror horns remix)
orbital - the box
orbital - lush 3-3 (underworld remix)
juno reactor - guardian angel
juno reactor - magnetic
here are today's things, much missed (i hope) in my hiatus...as usual a daily quaylism and then some punny stuff, and then???
Quaylism:
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
Pun:
Two weevils grew up down south on a cotton farm.
One was quite ambitious, and traveled to Hollywood where he became a huge movie star.
The other stayed on the farm and never really amounted to much, so naturally he was known as the lesser of two weevils.
A List:
50 Reasons To Be a Woman
Free drinks.
Free dinners.
Free movies (you get the point).
You can hug your friend without wondering if she thinks you're gay.
You can hug your friend without wondering if YOU'RE gay.
You know The Truth about whether size matters.
Speeding ticket? What's that?
New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
You never had to walk down the hall with your binder strategically positioned in high school.
If you have sex with someone and don't call them the next day, you're not the devil.
Condoms make no significant difference in your enjoyment of sex.
If you have to be home in time for 90210, you can say so, out loud.
If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
You can sleep your way to the top.
You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.
It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
Brad Pitt.
You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
If you cheat on your spouse, people assume it's because you're being emotionally neglected.
YOU never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.
You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clipper.
No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
If you think the person you're dating really likes you, you don't have to break up with them.
Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
You can congratulate your teammate without ever touching her ass.
If you have a zit, you can conceal it.
You never have to reach down every so often to make sure your privates are still there.
If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
You have the ability to dress yourself.
You have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.
You can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If you marry someone 20 years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
If you're wearing cologne, you don't have to pretend it's aftershave.
You'll probably never see someone you know while peeing in an alley.
You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
You can quickly end any fight by crying.
Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
You've never had a goatee.
Gay waiters don't make you uncomfortable.
You'll never regret piercing your ears.
You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
You'll never discover you've been duped by a Wonderbra.
You don't have hair on your back.
You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
well dread me or not here i am, back again from vacation, and flu....had a kick ass visit from my daughter and son-in-law, which was followed, alas, by this nasty flu thingie which kicked my ass big time and delayed my return to bloggy life...be a few days b4 i'm back up to full speed, but wanted to let you all know i didn't die or fall off the face of the earth(where do you go when that happens btw)....more updates to the style, wooohooo.
my girlfriend has really come through with some code wizardry here and the blog style is almost completed...she figured out how to make the borders work in the links column and now i just have to fine tune the ordering of the blocks and such....feedback greatly desired, as always....thank you all so much for your patience and visits
P
L
U
R