well, i got my license renewed...no more sick feeling in my stomach every time i see a cop car while driving...what a relief...now if i can just get the brakes fixed on the car, and then renew the inspection sticker, life behid the whell will return to something resembling normal...what ever that is.
so nice to be able to use my computer again....having to leave it off for ten days really sucked...not just the withdrawls, but losing the productive time, and getting backlogged on things...nearly completed doing my share of the fortunes for my dad's b-day present....just need to finish formatting them and then print and cut them, then i'm done with that....also need to take my car to terrel this afternoon to get an estiate on having the brakes fixed...will have to decide whether or not it it will be worth doing, once i know the price...hoping it won't be too bad, but expecting it will be...will be wasting a couple of hours tonight sometime to watch the season premiere of SG1...thanks to having a dvr, i will be able to watch it when ever i feel like it, and skip the commercials...how did we ever get along before with out it.
had a hiatus there caused by my A/C unit going out in my computer room....so now computer for the last 10 days it took to install the new unit...couple of good friends came by today, and helped my put the new A/C in...working fine now....back to work for me...whoop.
i always forget that every silver lining has a dark cloud underneath...we hit a big milestone last night, having completed a significant portion of this project we are working on...this of course is great, especially the fact it is working out better than any of us probably expected when we started it all...the downside is now we are at a point where we must start writing supporting documentation, and a ton of it...definately not something i look forward to doing...although, i do look forward to having that done...though, that will only cover what has been completed so far...if this works out, it could make us all some decent money, but so far, and until we finish, we are earning nothing...just got to think positively that it will all work out in the end, and be worthwhile.
getting really focused on doing web design work, which isn't leaving much time for keeping up on adding entries here, keeping up on all your blogs, or the several other things i try and keep up with on line...i apologize for not being able to devote time to all of you, but will get back to doing so when i get a few things completed.
we have made a few more small changes to the CSY Designs site...we added Geoff's information to the About Us page, added a note to the Portfolio main page concerning page load times in the portfolio, and made a slight change to the navigation on the individual portfolio pages.
i have also added some new images to the Logos Album in the WickdArts Design Gallery....i hope to have some more things ready to add to the gallery shortly.
my dad's 70th birthday is coming up in a couple of months...my sister came up with a cool idea for a group gift from all of his kids, their s/os, and his wife...he is one of those people who really enjoys fortunes, like those in fortune cookies, so she thought it would be neat if we all wrote a year's worth, 365, one a day, between us, of fortunes, which we would give him in a cheap fish bowl...he would then get the dubious enjoyment, i say dubious, because we are writing them, of having a unique fortune for each day over the year...of course, being the truly twisted disfunctional family we are, the fortunes we write are supposed to be weird, twisted, or otherwise messed up to make them fortunes from us...i jumped on this enthusiastically...that is the sort of writing that appeals to me in every way...i can exercise my twisted, odd sense of humor to it's fullest extent...i wrote 44 so far, over a couple of days, sent them to my sister for approval, which i got..she was pleased that i had written more than my share, which would be 35 or so, and am willing to write more as inspiration strikes, which is good, because while everyone agreed to this, my sister had come up with 2, her husband 4 or 5, and that's it....this also appeals to me, because this is the best type of gift, being thought out, personalized, and demonstrating we care enough to put effort into the gift...i know he will dig this, though i'm pretty certain that some of my fortunes will leave him scratching his head.
amazingly, i had another truly productive night doing web design work...make some significant progress on one of our major projects...if we can keep this up, we may actually have this thing designed and live in 2 moths or so....that would be very sweet, as this could actually generate real income if it pans out...fingers crossed, doing best to keep creative momentum going.
well the intensive web site work done by my g/f and i has actually born some visible results...we got motivated to make some long overdue updates, and additions to our web design business site, and managed to make some significant improvements...the major one being the addition of a portfolio of our design work...it has 10 individual portfolio pages, each providing a description of the work done a site, with large thumbnails linked to full size images...pages are grouped according to the type of web site...we also added some much needed content to the about us page....hope you will all check it out and let me know what ya think...coming soon, a scripts portfolio, and NetObjects Fusion styles/templates portfolio.
alas, the work the electric company did has not solved the problem...things seemed better for a day, but then the voltage drops, and outages came back full force...it really sucks...at least they are being responsive now, but i will have to call monday to let them know things are still messed up...not sure what they will do now...guess i will keep you posted.
well our electric company sent a crew out to replace our transformer, and the line from the pole to the house...this in hopes of finally seeing an end to the power problems that have been plaugeing us for over two years...after being told that it was our house wiring, or that i was crazy for the last year, a supervisor finally came out yesterday to troubleshoot things...lo ands behold, he sees that our old crappy 15kva transformer had not been replaced with a new 25kva one like he thought...he had instructed the crew working here last april to replace the transformer and line...they lied and told him it had been done....so he thought my comments about old crappy equipment was lunacy....after apologizing profusely he swore they would have a crew out this morning to actually do the work...work is done, power back on...so now we must wait and see if this solves the fluctuations, and interrupts...i hope so, but i'm not holding my breath.
a combination of several problems, and factors conspired to prevent my writing here for the last couple of weeks...needless to say this was accompanied by much angst on my part...i actually lost two entries in the entire process too, just to make it that much more fun for me...for those of you curious, the short story is that we have had some severe problems with our electricity, which hopefully will finally be fixed today, some problems with the server this site is located on, and my being focused on writing 11 pages of content for the csydesigns site...hope to be posting regularly again now...keep your fingers crossed, i am.
finally have got some inclination to get back to doing something productive, or at least i hope i do...will be trying to get back into the swing of things over the next few days...am intending to do some long overdue work on csydesign, and then maybe complete a graphic, and also create some themes for another web project we're working on...wish me luck on this...if things go well, i should be back to regular posting here in a day or so.
what a fun couple pf weeks this has been...our waterbed matress sprang a leak about 3 weeks ago...luckily it was warranteed...called the place, and they were happy top replace it, but did not have it in stock and would take two weeks to get it there...turned out to only be a week...install the new matress, and it sprang a worse leak yesterday...another call, and longer discussion...got another replacement, but in a different series, as we don't trust the old anymore...spent all night draining it, and then drove the two hour round trip to the store for the replacement, replacement....filling underway...fingers crossed...wish us luck.
my birthday is past....a year older, but not feeling a bit wiser...had a great time on the day...hung out with my best friends, and partied some...mostly spend all night working with my best friend to create a logo for a new project we are working on...i am a total geek, no doubt about it...only a geek would happily spend a birthday on the computer doing graphics...well, at least i had fun.
well, i made it to 45...definately don't feel that old, but i guess i really am...gonna go and celebrate with a few friends tonight, so i will probably feel my age tomorrow...lol.
well i got through my grandmother's funeral with out too much stress...while there was way too many people in one place for me to be totally comfotable, and worse, most are relatives that i don't really know, overall it was ok...my dad was able to give a eulogy comfortably, which was a huge change from my grandfather's funeral in which my dad gave a very tense ten minute eulogy that strictly talked about his father's love of country and community...ugh...anyway, afterwards there was the required gathering at my aunt's house, which i got through by hiding outside...later went out with my brother, sister, and cousins for drinks which was a blast...it was great seeing both my brother and sister together...first time in 4 years we were all together...hanging with my sis today, and tomorrow, which kicks ass...great catching up.
my grandmother died early this morning...it was not unexpected at all, as she has been getting steadily sicker over the last year...nor was this a bad thing, as she had advanced alzheimers, and has been under full time care for years...there will be a small ceremony tomorrow, which i decided to attend despite the anxiety of being around so much family...with her death, i no longer have any living grandparents, though at my age this is not surprising...she was longest lived of them, well over 90, though the last 5 years or more have been pretty sad...i hope i don't end up getting this disease, as it is one of my greatest fears...if i do, i sincerely hope someone kills me before i get to the point where i have forgotten my own family...sigh...life is definately hard at times
played lawn boy again today...actually managed to mow the entire lawn, all 1 1/2 acres of it in one day...did it with a regular mower too, none of that riding mower shit...ugh...of course i will just have to do it all again next week...what fun.
my best friend moved back to Dallas...a few years ago he had moved to the bay area to attend school, and then late last year he got what he thought was a kickass job working for a small label down in florida...well it turned out to not be such a good opportunity after all...they basically screwed him over totally, and left him jobless in a town where he diddn't know anyone, etc...he and his wife decided to move back here, and arrived very early wednesday morning ...went over to their new apt yesterday to help unload the truck...helping your friend move is a true test of friendship...moveing furniture, and such is one of the least enjoyable thing i know, but offered myself up because he is my friend...it of course had to be extra hot yesterday, and it turns out their apartment is on the third floor...ugh...way too many trips up and down three flights of stairs forcably reminded me that i am A) way too old for this shit. B) terribly out of shape...somehow we managed to get everything unloaded, and a large portion of their stuff arranged and such...glad that's done...even gladder he is back...be nice to have someone to talk to again.
two of my neighbors now apparantly have bands...i had suspected that there was at least one, but confimed this last week, that there were actually two...i had suspected this due to the occasional bass thump which was happening from time to time over the last couple of months...it was really loud last weekend which caused me to go investigate the source...found out that our nearest neighbor, who is over 1/4 mile away does in fact have a band which is practicing on the weekend in his house....his house, which is basicly a steel shell, makes a pretty good boom box, at least at the lower frequencies...he has agreed to keep his windows closed when they practice, which has helped quite a bit, though it still carries pretty well...i listened in for a while, and they are ok, though the poor accoustics of the building makes it hard to be certain....another neighbor about 1/2 mile away also has a band which i can hear, though not as clearly...i am invited to hear them next time they practice, and am curious to find out if they are any good...i was amazed to discover just how far bass will carry, and am glad we don't live any closer than we do...heh.
a bit late, but here is the first of the promised deatils of my trip to NY.
i was able to see my niece quite a lot, spread out over several days during my visit...i made a lot of shorter visits to make it easier on my brother and sister-in-law, as i knew they were worn out from both having a new baby, and endless family visits...i'm glad i did it that way, as it allowed me plenty of time to see them, and was much less stressful on them too...as you can imagine, my niece, Leah, is very very cuter...this is not just my opinion, btw, as total strangers seem to all think so too...i totally lucked out in my timing, as she had just started smiling, and is beginning to focus on things...she seems to like her goofy uncle a bit, as i was rewarded with many smiles, some happy gurgles, and lots of her happily being held...she seemed to really enjoy my singing her silly songs made up on the spot, about her, accompanied with play...she especially liked the feet songs...something my daughter enjoyed too, at that age...bought her a mobile, which she had none of, and she seems to like it...also gave her a print, which she will hopefully enjoy when she is older.
i also spent time visiting with my mom, a lot in fact, as i was staying at her apt...spent a night upstate with my dad and stepmom, and also had dinner with them once in the city...got to see my dad's new office, and he even introduced me to his coworkers, which was both nice and unexpected.
went to connecticut for two days with my mom, one to see one of her oldest friends, and the other with my aunt and uncle, both of which were very nice...her friend has an incredible old house near Lyme, which provided many good photo ops, and it was really cool visiting with her and her husband...they have a great boxer named Luca, who befriended me immediately, and while not a true substitute for our dog, did ease the sting of missing him a bit...had a great time with my aunt and uncle, which is pretty normal...got to see a very old friend of the family while there, who is like a great aunt , which was a very pleasant surprise...she is 92 and fiesty as hell, and still living life fully...hope i age half as well as she has.
all in all, it was a great visit all the way around familywise.
part 2 of the report will be coming soon, covering sights and such.
life is a peach...heh...got sick on saturday, and am still trying to shake it off...seems my g/f had come down with the flu crud while i was away, and gave it to me as a welcome home gift...lol...gave it to the dog too, for that matter....anyway, i have been laid low for the last several days, and figure it will be at least another couple before i am back to normal, or at least as normal as i ever get.
well, i actually did it...i'm ready to go...finished everything i needed, and wanted to get done before my trip...bags are packed up and just waiting to go to the airport...amazing how much you can do in a few days of concentrated panic mode working...anyway, i will be back in a couple of weeks and will be letting you all know how my trip went...wish me luck
only three more days till my trip...i think i am actually going to get everything done that needs doing before then, or at least i hope so...still pretty nervous about traveling, as it has been over 5 years since the last time i went anywhere, and i'm not the person i was back then...also excited about seeing the family...i've been burning my mp3 archives to cd so i can share them with my brother, and really hadn't realized how big it was and how long it would take to do...i am up to 25 cds of files so far, most of which are 675 meg or more each, and extimate anoter 10 or 15 to completion...that is a lot of music :)
didn't leave myself enough time to get everything done before going to NY with out going into panic mode...so i am in panic mode big time, trying to get it all done, and still keep up with ongoing stuff...will be trying to get another entry or so in before leaving...just have to see how it all goes.
i will be going to New York soon to visit with my family, and meet my new niece...i'm very excited, but also somewhat anxious (being bipolar is such a pain at times)...anyway, i will leaving on the 12th, which is next thursday, and returning on the 24th...i may have accessto the net, allowing me to keep up with the blog, but probably won't be able to do so...if i can i will update while there...meanwhile i will continue to update as i can until leaving...though preparing for the trip will mean less time for it...let ya all know how it goes.
sorry for abandoning my blog for the last week...i caught that flu going around, and it kicked my ass big time...wasn't up for doing much, other than feeling miserable...finally shook it off, and will be back at it, i hope.
being completely fed up with the crapass service we were getting from Cingular, we finally got around to switching service today...after much mulling and discussion, we switched to Sprint...of course we took advantage of being able to move our existing numbers, which is nice because notifying everyone of a new number would have sucked...we also took advantage of the deal for new customers, and two of our three phones are the new picture phones...amazingly, our numbers were switched and working in less than three hours...spent several hours learning how to play with the new phone, and moving all my numbers into it...of course i have been taking pictures of anything and everything, just because i can...so far have only kept one picture, of our dog, which is now the phone's screensaver...i'm sure i will be snapping plenty of pics worth keeping over the days to come, or at least i hope so...i love having new toys :)
wonder of wonders, i have actually had a fairly productive day...my g/f and i decided that we needed to quit procrastinating our various projects, and get some of the grunt work done, before it is too late...while we are both creative and enthusiastic about starting new things, or working on stuff we enjoy, we both have the typical add problem with finishing things, especially when it requires grinding tedious work...between us we must have 8 or nine partially complete web sites...this of course is very bad when both our primary business sites are in that bunch...so i sat down and wrote out what i need to do to complete, or bring up to date my primary sites...we then worked out a game plan for her to get her web design site closer to completion, and then i spent a couple of hours writing content for it...she is now chugging away at fixing the half complete pages, and building the most important pages, her portfolio, and the forms for potential customers to request work, etc...meanwhile i finally got off my ass and captured screenshots of my sites for the gallery and uploaded them...next, i need to finish fixing the fucked up internal links for visual angst, and then redo the former rants section, which will now be the angst-du-jour.net index page, and stuff like that...then i must finish the wickdarts design site, i hope...maybe we will actually finish our own sites so that we can bring in some business from someone other than family or friends.
had a really nice talk with my daughter on the phone tonight...i had been worried about her, because things have been tough for her the last few months...her marriage fell apart, and she was struggling to pay her bills, and didn't know where she wanted to go with her life, and so on...well she has finally shaken off all the pain and uncertainty, and is getting things back together...for the first time in several months she sounded happy and is feeling beeter on all fronts...which of course makes me feel happy, because it is really difficult for me to be happy when someone i love is unhappy...if misery loves company, the flip side is that happiness seems to be infectious, and spreads quickly....maybe this year will really be better than the last few...i had started to believe that a new year was just the smae old year recycled, but maybe a new year can bring change for good...we shall see...meanwhile things are definately better for now.
my girlfriend built a small web site with an attached gallery for my brother and his wife, so that they could put pics of my new niece up for everyone to see...she is very cute...if anyone would like to see go to their web site and go to the gallery, or just enter the gallery directly.
if any of you are wondering why their gallery looks so different from mine, it's because my g/f installed the latest version of gallery for them...i will be upgrading my gallery to this version in the next few days...should be pretty cool, as this version allows for ratings for the images and some other nifty stuff...will let ya all know when it is done.
well i have finally shaken off the holiday blahs, and am feeling like writing again...get to make my first post of the year upbeat...as of 10am december 30, i am an uncle...my brother and his wife had a baby girl, leah, and now i have a niece...didn't think that would ever happen, as my sister and her husband have no kids, and he didn't know if they were going to or not...i'll be spending a couple of weeks in late february in ny visitng them, and can't wait to see her in person...life is good
well i finally got started matting and framing my art...yesterday i set out for the second time with the goal of purchasing a mat cutter, mat, and some frames...driving into Dallas in what quickly became a raging downpour, i finally arrived intact, but frazzled at Hobby Lobby, where i discovered they had sold their last mat cutter just before i showed up...30 minutes of standing around while they called other stores turned one up...so off i went back into the pouring rain, and drove 30 miles to go pick it up...luckily they did actually have it, and the other supplies i wanted, so a few hundred dollars poorer i drove home through yet more rain...of course it took forever to get home, and i was forced to wait 4 hours for the rain to taper off enough to bring the stuff inside...so today i decided on 4 pieces to print, which took me hours, and then printing took another hour, but i was finally ready to try cutting some mat...it was much harder to cut mat than i had remembered it to be, but i was successful, and without even screwing it up...it isn't quite perfect, but damn close for a first attempt...so now i have one of four done, and i am quitting for the day while i am ahead...i just know if i press my luck and try to do the rest today, i will fuck it up somehow...anyway, i am feeling pleased with myself for taking that first step towards having enough pieces ready to show, assuming i find a gallery willing to show my work...not gonna worry about that for a while though...no reason to get myself all freaked out over that until i must.
what a fun day today has been, NOT!!!for some unknown reason our well went dry about 5 this morning...evidently the water level in the cistern had dropped too low, which caused the pump to pull air instead of water...the end result was zero water, period...a couple of hours of futzing around led us to this conclusion...a friend of ours is using our flatbed trailer, so we had no way to take the 350 gallon water tank to the city public well to fill it, and he was in the middle of something, and would not be able to bring it back for a couple of hours, which actually ended up being more like 6 hours...so off i went to see if i could borrow some water from a neighbor...they were happy to let me have some water, which we needed to flush the toilets and other necessities, only to find after lugging 100 lbs of water into the bathroom that our toilets were the type that can't flush on a full tank alone...sigh....so off my girlfriend's dad and i trundle to the public well, carting every container possible to haul water back to try and fill the cistern...it took us about an hour to fill several miscelaneous coolers, jugs, buckets etc...probably 200 gallons or so....then spent 20 minutes making a 5 minute drive at a snails pace to avoid spilling water on the trip...finally after pouring the majority of it in the cistern, which just filled it enough, we got the pump running properly and had water, though just for emergency use...about then the friend shows up, we load the tank on the truck, and go off to fill it and then empty it into the cistern...elapsed time for this, another 90 minutes...it did the trick though, and we have water again...of course then i had to go do the shopping which i had planned to do hours earlier, and am now whooped...just another day in rural paradise.
wasted a bunch of time today...drove into Dallas, hoping to buy a mat cutter, mat, and some frames...went to Hobby Lobby, and they had everything, but the cutter was marked down as a demo, opened it up and found that half of it was missing...$%#%$#@%$#@^%$*^...like half a mat cutter is going to do me any good...passed on the rest as i don't want the mat getting fucked up sitting around while i wait to have a cutter...went to Michaels...last time there for me...what a waste...they no longer carry real mat cutters, and they wanted 3 times as much per sheet for mat...fucking assholes...worst part was dealing with all the traffic from christmas shoppers...i hate traffic, crowds, and holiday shoppers...ugh...what an ordeal, and all for nada...now i will have to back there later this week once they get the cutter in at Hobby Lobby...oh well
well it's that time of year again...the big holiday season...for reasons that are partly being bipolar, and largely past history, i find myself struggling not to succumb to overwhelming depression during this period...surviving each year's season is always a triumph of sorts for me...will be doing my best to get through this one successfully, as i have in the past...it is very possible that my ability to keep up writing entries here will be impacted, as will any artistic pursuits, and other web work, but i am going to try my best not to let things slip any more than they must...wish me luck on surviving another holiday period with my sanity and person intact.
alas, i am back to just one camera again...i had sent my friend geoff's digital to him in florida on monday, and yesterday my friend sean, who had kindly loaned me him 35mm slr to use for a couple of weeks, came out to hang out, take some pics, and retrieve his camera...thanks for letting me use it, and i took advantage of it by shooting 8 rolls of film, some of which have already been posted in my gallery...sean has started up a blog, where we can all keep up to date on the current state of bean...he has also started up a gallery of his photography at deviantart, and i highly recommend checking it out as he has a good eye for finding the unusual in the usual, and also has a flair for playing with light.
had my tooth extracted last wednesday...fun fun fun...as you all might remeber, i had lost a crown, and needed to have what was left of the tooth removed so i can get a bridge...well was able to see the oral surgeon on wednesday and get it taken care of...i like the guy i use because he use general anesthesia, so you go to sleep and wake up with the work done, no pain, or stress...of course still had the ache, tenderness and limited diet for the last week, but it is all healed up now...did keep me from feeling like being on the computer for the last week though...anyway, i'm back up and running, and should be writing on a regular basis again, or as regular as possible for me...heh
my friend geoff and his wife stopped in last night for a short visit on their way to florida....this is the friend who moved to the bay area three years ago, who was my best friend for many years and so on...i taalk about him from time to time in my posts, check the archive for more on our past...anyway, he got a job with a small label in florida and is moving there, and had stopped in Dallas for a few days to catch up with all of us...because i am on the way from dallas to fla, they stopped to say hi, and see the new place, and visit with my g/f and the animals...it was a nice, tho too short visit, during which geoff whipped out his new sony digital camera, the really nice one, as he had to show it off, and also wanted to show us some pics he took...so about 45 min after they left, i glance at the coffe table and notice that in all the goodbye's he forgot the camera...i called, and no surprise they didn't feel like turning around, so i get to play with it until they get their place and have an address to send it to...felt bad that he forgot it, but am looking forward to playing with it until they tell me where to return it...last week when i drove up to dallas to see them and some of my other friends, i had borrowed my friend Sean's slr, as i am normally taking my pics with a simple autoeverything camera, which is not as much fun...suddenly i went from having one camera to use, to three, and wonder if i will end up taking no pictures, because i can't decide which camera to use...be about par for the course for me.
i finally crossed a huge threshold (for me anyways) this month...for the first time ever, one of my sites, actually it is the gallery, broke the 100 Megabyte bandwidth mark...as of earlier today i have pulled 106.21 Megabytes of bandwidth in traffic...i know in the greater scheme of things, this is a paltry amount, and many sites pull that in an hour or less, but it was a first for me, so i'm celebrating...i may actually break that mark this month on this site...as of this morning i am at 94.51 Megabytes for Angst-du-jour.net, and might make the 100 mark before the month is done...i want to that you all for taking the time to read my ramblings and bitchings...given that this site is almost totally text, 100 Mb of traffic is pretty heady stuff....thanks for your support.
just finished reading L.E. Modesitt's latest book The Ethos Effect...as i have said before (more than once i think), he is one of my favorite authors (favorite in his genre for sure), and this one was one of his best ever...this book deals deeply with ethics and morals, and will have me thinking on them for quite a while i'm sure...his characters continue to be fascinating people, who are forced by circumstances to make very difficult descisions and then live with the results...i am extremely impressed with how honestly he handles questions of right and wrong, and how he refuses to resort to using simple stereotypical good vs. evil, black and white situations, instead potraying things in more realistic grey shadings, and presenting both sides of issues, leaving the reader to decide for them selves what is right, and judge whether the Hero was really a hero, or in fact a villan...personally i have found his heros to be truly heroic, making the most painful of descisions and then acting on them knowing what it will cost them to do so...maybe this appeals to me so much, because of how many hard descisions i have been forced to make in my life...i hope he continues to write many more books before he is done.
this book, more so than any previous works, paints a very bleak picture of where society seems to be heading if we don't find some way to change...i sincerely hope that he reaches others as he has reached me, and that it sparks some changes in our world...we can do much better than we are doing presently, and make our world a better place to live...we need less hate, intolerance, greed, and shortsightedness, and more understanding, consideration and respect.
had a really pleasant visit by my dad and stepmom yesterday...visits by members of my family are always something i look forward to with mixed feelings...i love them all, but i always spend days before their coming in a state of anxiety and/or panic for varying reasons...with my borther, sister, and daughter, there are always stupid irrational fears of some horrible thing happening to them in transit, which would of course be totally my fault, leaving me anxious until they6 actually arrive and prove said fears to be groundless...with my parents, there is above fears, mixed with dread that some event will occur while they are here that will cause me intense emotional pain...this based on a lifetime of such pain, even though visits over the last few years have not included any such incedents.
this visit yesterday was exceptionally nice, not only having no painful moments, but actually leaving wishing that we had been able to spend more time together...maybe this is signalling that my dad and i have truly been able to put most of the bad stuff behind us and can have something resembling a good father son relationship...this would make me very happy...we talked without any of the all too common tension present in many past conversations, and laughed a lot...the weather was perfect, and we were able to spend a couple of hours wandering the property, including my taking them for a ride on the Massey-Fergeson into the back pasture so they could see the cows and admire the view, and solitude...they loved seeing the property, though my dad seemed a bit apprehensive about riding perched on the fender...my stepmom, however had a blast and was grinning nonstop for the entire ride...she also had fun communing with Dude (our miniature paint), spending about 15 minutes sitting in the dirt, petting his mane and cheeks (he loves having his cheeks petted)...i was sad they had to leave so early, and hope they can come back and visit again soon.
finally got around to seeing Once Upon A Time In Mexico yesterday...had been wanting to see this since before it came out, but going out to movies is not easy for me at times (dealing with crowds, leaving the house, etc)...while i was not able to see it on the big screen, and so lost that plus, i did get the enjoyment of being the only person in the theater...that was way cool...no crying kids, cellphones, or assholes talking to fuick up the movie for me....glad i went, as i totally dug the film and look forward to adding it to my dvd collection when it becomes available...if you haven't seen it yet, GO....johnny depp was great, as a slimy cia officer, and as always with robert rodriguez films, lots of great gun-battle ballet, and general mayhem...truly a fitting finale to the el mariachi saga...can't wait to see kill bill, though i'm sure it will be a month from now or so before i canh get myself to get out and see it.
my girlfriend has gotten me addicted to another tv show...just like with LOCI, she accidentally happened to watch Angel, and got hooked...not content to be addicted alone she then got me hooked on it as well...we of course, had to immediately buy seasons 1 and 2 on dvd, and are anxiously awaiting season 3 to be released on dvd...the thing neither of us can figure out is how such a lame show as Buffy could spin off a great one like Angel...oh well why waste time analizing it, just enjoy, and wait for new episodes...lol
well, i guess things were going too well for me the last couple of weeks, so life had to throw another obstacle in front of me for the fun of it....while checking my web stats friday night, i foolishly decided to chew a piece of gum...a fairly innocuous activity, or so i thought...heard a crack while chewing and felt that odd, unique feeling, which let me know that i had just broken a crown...one of my newer ones...less than two years old...of course it had to break off leaving razor sharp edges, causing my tongue to feel like it had been sandpapered by monday morning...went to see my dentist first thing, and found out that my luck has not changed much, and it is not repairable...in fact it broke in the worst possible way, leaving too little tooth to even extract normally...so, i get to go in for a surgical extraction.
fun fun fun....at least i can be unconscious while they do it, but this means two or three days of being drugged to thge gills on pain killers while it heals....then i get to wait 4 to 6 months for the bone to heal properly, and then the joy of having another bridge put in...so much fun to look forward to here...this of course doesn't even include the real fun part of asking my dad for the financial help in paying for all of this...bridgework is unbelievably expensive, and i do so enjoy asking my parents for money...one of my favorite activities...the only upside to all this was the dentist felt very bad about the crown breaking, and is going to discount the bridgework...she also didn't charge me to grind the sharp edges off the broken shards of my tooth...sigh...live is so fun
today's playlist to motivate me (hopefully) into getting some productive work done:
1) The Crystal Method - Keep Hope Alive (Hardknox Mix)
2) The Crystal Method - trip Like I Do (Hard House Remix)
3) Rabbit in The Moon - Floori.d.a (RITM's Handled Without Care Mix)
4) Orbital - Lush 3-3 (Underworld Remix)
5) The Crystal Method - Keep Hope Alive (Trip Hope Mix)
6) Portishead - Scorn (Glory Box Mix)
7) Moloko - Fun For Me
8) AK1200 - Drowning (Cleveland Lounge) (Dave's Drum & Space Mix)
9) Aphrodite - Urban Jungle (Underworld Roughed Up Version)
10) Fatboy Slim vs. Eminem - My Name Is Rockafella Skank
11) Banco De Gaia - Rabbit In The Moon's Drunk As A Skunk Mix
12) The Orb - Little Fluffy Clouds - (Adam Freeland's Tsunami 1 Remix)
13) RBA - No Alternative (Brooklyn Bounce Remix)
14) DJ Lego vs. Warp Brothers & Aquagen - God Saw The Phatt Bass
15) Chemical Brothers - Live On JJJ Mixup
i got this incredible comment posted about A Crack in The Event Horizon:
An excellent piece of artwork. I wish I have that kind of talent.I truly believe whoever is viewing this abstract digital art will escape from depression into the tunnel filled with hope! Thanks for sharing this art! Gilbert Lam
thank you Gilbert for taking the time to comment...while i love getting feedback of any kind on my art (it helps me to improve my skills and techniques when i know what people like or dislike), comments like yours give me the best possible incentive to keep at it.
as an aspiring artist nothing feels better than to hear that some one has actually felt exactly what i tried to convey in a piece...it's awsome to know that my message was received so clearly, and that i was able to bring renewed hope....wow...i think i will wrap myself in this warm fuzzy feeling for a while...maybe this will be the thing that breaks the block, and lets me get back to creating again.
i don't know what has happened to me over the last few weeks...somewhere in that timespan, i have slipped into some truly weird mental state...it is not a depressive cycle, though it bears some of it's characteristics...whatever it is it has totally robbed me of my normal sense of self...i feel like i am drifting along, unbalanced and no clue how to get back....i feel like i lost my sense of humor, and worse the certainty that there is balance in life, which is one of the foundations i depend on to get through day to day life...it has encroached into all my creative outlets, which is the most frustrating thing....i have almost totally lost my ability (what little i had) to write the way i want...there is no flow at all and i've let myself get mired in ugly mental dialogue...the worst of all is i am in the midst of this huge creative block, and can't create a fucking thing graphicwise.
not one attempt lately, be it art, graphics, or even simple photo work is going right...every single thing i have tried working with is looking like shit, even something as basic as converting the colors of the rating image....i hope i find my way out of here soon, and get back to a more normal (for me) place...i miss the creative release and need to get these outlets working again...maybe i will try sleeping for 3 or 4 days straight, or not sleeping for a week...maybe that will break this damn state....who knows...i guess only time will tell
not sure how it came about, but i have renewed some very old friendships in the last two months....one with my best friend from high school and another with one of my best friends from my 20's....don't live in the same state as either, hadn't talked to either of them in over 10 years, but in both cases it was like we never spent time apart...it is so cool to be able to instantly regain that feeling of closeness, and in one sense it is as if no time has passed at all...they both sound the same as they did, and while we are all older, we all seem to still be the people we were, and liked in each other....life never fails to surprise me, and i love when they are good surprises.
my girlfriend did the coolest thing ever done for a memeber of my family, and one of the nicest things i have ever seen some one do period....both her and my brother are huge david bowie fans, she found this out when they met last year and spent hours talking about him...she being a big fan, had found bowie's web site a couple of years ago and of course immediately signed up for membership...this allows her access to all sorts of cool bowie stuff and she gets a regular newsletter, with updates, info, and some occasional offers...i have to say that while liking his music, i also became a fan upon discovering how much bowie truly loves his fans...unlike most artist with sites, he actively participates with his site and the members...he answers emails, offers oppotunities for his fans to show their talents, and provides them feedback and support...he also regularly throws small private shows for them.
that's right small private concerts, with tickets made available only to his fans...so my girlfriend got a special announcement via email he would be doing a show at a nightclub in poughkipsie, as a tune up for his upcoming tour, and there were about 300 tickets, which could only be purchased by members via the site....she went ahead and immediately grabbed a pair, and then asked me if i thought my brother and his wife would like to go....answer is of course yes...so we call my brother that night and asked if he would like the tickets and would be able to go....turns out that they were going to be about 15 min from there on vacation that week, and he said yes, thought at first he thought we were kidding...when got it all explained he was floored, as he had never been able to see bowie live....well the show was tuesday and he called last night and could hardly find words to describe how incredible it was...they got to sit about 20 feet from the stage and he said that it was the most amzing experience he had ever had...his wife swears it was the best concert she has ever seen and both wanted us to know this is a night they will treasure forever...i can't ever thank my girlfriend enough for giving this priceless gift to them and me...knowing that those i love are happy always brings me joy, and being part of making them happy even more so...her gift was a pure thoughtful act of generosity, and straight from the heart....the only reason was because she thought they might enjoy it, and even though she barely knows them, she wanted to do something nice for them, because she knows how much i love my brother...i must be the luckiest man walking the earth to have found, and been accepted as worthy by her...she truly is an awsome woman, and i can not even imagine life without her in it any more....thank you corrinne for wanting me in your life, your strenght, and generosity, and spirit inspire me, and keep me going.
got to hang out for a few hours last night with my first real best friend...Clark, whom i had not seen in over 15 years and then only for a couple of days and probably 10 years before then, was my best friend back in the dark days of high scool and for several years after....it was amazing seeing him again, and discovering that despite the years our friendship was as strong as ever...alas, he is only in town for 3 days on business and will not have any more free time before leaving, but i think we will be talking a lot more again...and after all is only a 14 hour drive to his home, so may just drop in one day.
i feel very lucky to have had several best friends in my life, and i realize now that time and distance can never break those bonds...i miss you all very much and hope that things allow me hang with all you again...i have corrinne, ny girlfriend and best friend here, but clark, greg, geoff, jeoff, roger, and marla all live far away and i only hope we find the way to hook up and catch up....i am blessed , i think by having had so many in one life, but they have all proved to be the best possible friends i could have ever hoped or asked for....you have all stood by my, seen me at my best and worst, and never betrayed my trust...each of you at some time has been there for me when i most needed you to be, and listened to my deepest fears, and darkest secrets, and never judged me, or more importantly, deserted me....it really amazes me that you all found me worthy of your friendship, and put up with me as a friend...i think i am not a bad person, but i am a difficult person to have as a friend....being bipolar makes me very unpredictable and often prone to unpleasant bursts of temper, and long spells of depression, which can't be fun to be around....i can't thank you all enough for bring there, for the things you tought me, your help in becoming the person i am, and for your love and friendship....thank you, i love you all
sad news this last weekend...it appears that the last show has been performed at the bronco bowl, ending an era, a legendary venue, but thankfully leaving fond memories....an odd venue for sure, it was the only combination bowling alling 3,00 seat auditorium, and night club i know of....those of you lucky enough to have seen a show there understand how awsome it was...i think the bowl was one of the top auditoriums in the world to see live shows....intimate, great sight lines and the best fucking sound, it hosted every type of concert imaginable...many greats played here, but the place holds two very special memories for me.
i saw my first techno show/party/whatever there, thenks to my very good friend Geoff, us both being in serious need of fun and cheering up, some spare cash, and his insistance i would have fun....damn was he ever right...saw crystal method and orbital, and it was one of the best shows i have ever seen, and that's saying a lot...i bought us tix on the spur of the moment, at the last minute, made plans to have our friend jeoff, drive us in geoffs car, so we could get fucked up with no worries, grabbed our friend allison and went....geoff accidently left his ticket in the car, which was long gone by the time we realized it...so alli and i found him a scalped ticket, and in we went...i had no idea what to expect, really didn't...turned out dj john kelly was spinning in between sets, and he had the crowd pumped by the time the opening act started...a group who's one song on the radio i hated, but somehow in there it became magic...i looked over to see the most beautiful smile on geoff's face, erasing weeks of depressive bs for both of us...before i knew ithe and i were up dancing, dragging alli up to join us and we never stopped until the show ended 8 hours later....i never stopped smiling neither did he or alli....poor jeoff got stuck driving 3 grinning, rolling, babbling, and in the case of me and me and geoff very manic peeps home, getting an incoherent blow by blow of the night...great intro to the rave culture, the happiest, funnest crowd i'd ever seen...and friendly as hell....thank you so much geoff, allison, and jeoff for that night, and thank you bronco bowl.
my other special memory is from the canyon club, which is the nightclub/bar in the bronco bowl...two very good friends of mine, mila and phil, payed me the enormous compliment of asking me to perform their wedding ceremony, which took place in the canyon club...they made me feel very special and loved by asking me to be such a key part of their wedding...it was totally fun, a bit unusual, and one of the best nights in my life for sure...this despite being so dumbfounded by seeing mila in a dress for the first time i was rendered speechless and forgot everything i was planning to say for the ceremony...thankfully her dad stepped on her veil, yanking it off her head, which she took in stride, which gave me enough time to collect my few wits and speak what i think (hope at least) a short, but nice and from the heart ceremony...it must have been ok, as their relatives spent the entire reception trying to understand why i have no ministry, what my actual religeon was, and how i had been ordained....a few even tried to convince me to come guest sermon at their church, which i politely declined, as it would have been inappropriate.
so while the bronco bowl is soon to be torn down to build a home depot, as if we need another...i have my memories, which no one can tear down, and they take the sadness of losing the bowl away.
if you wonder....i was ordained on line by the ulc, which is legal, i can perform weddings and such in 48 states, and am legally an ordained minister, you can call me brother, or whatever....i take this seriously though....i am a spiritual rather than religeous person, and will gladly perform a wedding ceremony if ever asked for friends, but not for money, and never again casually...the gift given first by jeff and sarah, and then by mila and phil of marrying them, are too special and precious to me to be careless and marry friends who don't value it as i did with ralph and sarah, or for money ever again....i understand this now and while can'tase those mistakes, prefer to simply cherish the two times it really meant something, meant so very much...thanks jeff and sarah, for my first, and mila and phil for the second, and the great bowl memory....love you guys all
well back again, hopefully for real this time....damn flu kicked mah ass after thought i wuz getting better...feelin better now and got my playlist set for some writing .
playlist tonite:
crystal method - trip like i do
crystal method - high roller
delerium - twilight
aphex twin - outside
portishead - waiting for the night
crystal method - keep hope alive (trip hope mix)
moloko - fun for me
rabbit in the moon - drunk as a monk
underworld - cowgirl
ak1200 - drowning
aphrodite - urban jungle (underworld roughed up mix)
underworld - king of snake (fatboy slim remix)
brooklyn bounce - bass, beats & melody (pulsedriver mix)
orbital - satan (live in ny)
aquagen - stanley (warp brothers remix)
chemical brothers - block rockin beats
liquid bass - in full effect
vengaboys - boom boom boom boom (brooklyn bounce boombastic remix)
avancada - jump, pump, break (warp brothers terror horns remix)
orbital - the box
orbital - lush 3-3 (underworld remix)
juno reactor - guardian angel
juno reactor - magnetic