i found this, Funkalicious, nerd i am , and had to take the quiz of course...turns out i am quite nerdy...much more so than ms. Funkalicious, heh heh heh.
THANK YOU CHRIS...he found my photos in the horrific mess thaty is our garage...i have mentioned several times how badly i wanted to find them...15 rolls of pictures, lost for several years, and assumed dead...they are a bit worse for wear, but appear to be in decent shape, and i am looking forward to getting them scanned in, and posted in my personal gallery...WHOOP
was intrigued by this conceptaldahlia » Jenny Turpish Slapped Me...so of course i had to take it too...my results:
You are a WRCL--Wacky Rational Constructive Leader. This makes you a golden god. People gravitate to you, and you make them feel good. You are smart, charismatic, and interesting. You may be too sensitive to others reactions, especially criticism. Your self-opinion and mood depends greatly on those around you.
You think fast and have a smart mouth, is a hoot to your friends and razorwire to your enemies. You hold a grudge like a brass ring. You crackle.
Although you have a leader's personality, you often choose not to lead, as leaders stray too far from their audience. You probably weren't very popular in high school--the joke's on them!
You may be a rock star.
amazingly accurate in almost every point, but totally wrong when not...must say i like the result i got from the quiz...for those too lazy to get the link from the original post here it is:
Jenny Turpish Slapped Me: 20 Questions To A Better Personality
i thought i would go ahead and share some of the fortunes i wrote for my share of the present for my dad with you all...i'm doing this because, i haven't been able to think of a real journal entry, several people suggested i do so, and i think some are pretty amusing...so here they are:
Look Before You Sneeze
You Are A Shining Light On A Sunny Day
A Wise Man Never
Always Count Your Chickens Before They Cross The Road
You Will Meet many familiar Strangers today
A Watched Pot Won't Put Itself In The Dishwasher
Better To Be Gruntled Than Lost
Hard Work Is Not Easy
Beware The Empty Shopping Cart
A Carrot in The Hand Is Worth Foresight
Watch Out For Rabid Hamsters
Find A Penny Pick It Up Unless It Is Stuck To Used Gum
Nothing Good Ever Comes From Lime Green Walls
You Always Seek the Origami Side Of Things
62.3594
One Good Yawn Preserves Your Brother
You Will Succeed If You
Never Let Life
True Happiness Is Found Just Out Of Reach
Find Serenity In A Blue Jeep
while checking in at one of my favorite sites, Cruel Site Of The Day, curiousity led me to read this little gem there...it is one man's adventures, when he breaks down, and decides to find out what all the hullaballoo about viagra is really about...he chronicles his purchasing it on line, and then taking it at church...a must read.
thiongs like this renew my faith in the inherent irony of life...Randall Terry, founder of Operation Rescue, Christian activist, and a major leader in the anti-abortion, and same-sex marriage, is forced to deal with his worst nightmare in the public forum...his son, Jamiel Terry has publicly come out, proclaiming himself gay, much to the consternation of his dad...Randall is miffed that his son came out, and that he did so publicly, and more so that he was paid for the article in Out magazine proclaiming it...he claims his son sold out our family's privacy and private discussions for cold cash...i love how people like him are all about publicity, until it goes against them in some way...if you live your life in the public eye, then you live with out privacy...that's a given...when asked by Randall, why he not told him first, Jamiel responded "Dad, how was i supposed to tell you? Look who you are."...you are always the last to find out...hehehe.
Blender magazine has published it's list of the 50 worst songs ever...lists like this always amuse me...there are definately entries here that i wholeheartedly agree with, though there are others i was surprised to find onit...of couse i'm not that surprised as this isn't my list it is theirs....topping the list was Straship's We Built this City, which i must agree is one of the worst pieces of shit ever passed off as music, and certainly deserves to be on the list, if not topping it...they described it as: The truly horrific sound of a band taking the corporate dollar while sneering at those who take the corporate dollar...hard to disagree with that in any way...their top ten list was:
1) Starship - We Built This City
2) Billy Ray Cyrus - Achy Breaky Heart
3) Wang Chung - Everybody Have Fun Tonight
4) Limp Bizkit - Rollin
5) Vanilla Ice - Ice Ice Baby
6) Huey Lewis & The News - The Heart Of Rock & Roll
7) Bobby McFerrin - Don't Worry Be Happy
8) Eddie Murphy - Part All The Time
9) Madonna - American Life
10) Paul McCartney & Stevie Wonder - Ebony And Ivory
songs were chosen because of their melodies, were wretchedly performed, and quite a few made no sense what so ever...i'm sure quite a few of the chosen fit all three criteria...wonder if any of the artists feel any shame in being included on this list...somehow i don't think so.
according to Britain's RAC Foundation for Motoring, Richard Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" is the number 1 tune NOT to play while driving...their research shows that loud music can cause accidents, and evidently that piece is the most danerous...the song had also topped their list of most dangerous songs two years ago, when the issue was the peril of fast tempo...while i can sort of understand this, in an abstract way, i am amazed that this is the most dangerous piece of music to drive to...i can think of dozens of songs that are both louder and faster...go figure...here is their top five list of most dangerous songs to drive to:
1) Richard Wagner - Ride of the Valkyries
2) Giuseppe Verdi - Dies Irae (from Requiem)
3) The Prodigy - Firestarter
4) Basement Jaxx - Red Alert
5) Faithless - Insomnia
Their top five safest songs to play while driving:
1) Norah Jones - Come Away With Me
2) Gary Jules - Mad World
3) Lemar - Another Day
4) The Sugarbabes - Too Lost In You
5) boy band Blue - Breathe Easy
so now we all know what to play while driving...or not.
my g/f turned me on to a really sick, twisted, and very amusing web site...go visit Stick Death...in addition to the great animations, i highly recommend checking out his hatemail...i wish i would get some mail like that...definately improve my day.
got hooked on a new show, as if i really need to be watching more tv...after being intrigued by the ads, i decided to watch Tripping The Rift...i was surprised to find that it exceeded my expectations in every way...totally sick and twisted, with a great animation, and written for adults with a taste for tasteless humor, it was everything i could have asked for and more...so far the first two episodes have left me wanting more, and made me laugh till it hurts...wh00p...thank you scifi channel for this gem.
while trying to catch up on my blog reading list, i found a couple of entries, If You Can't Beat 'Em...., and Join 'Em on Ith's Blog...i of course had to go play with the mapping toy just for the fun of it...i am not putting my maps up here, because i don't want the slower page loads caused by adding images in osts...the two that are part of my index are a necessary evil, but i refuse to add any more....i like my pages to load as quickly as i can get them to....i was going to add my maps to her entries as comments, but feel guilty about making someone elses blog load slower on my account....i did enjoy the toys though, and recommend you go try them for yourself....thanks Ith for the fun diversion.
my girlfriend's Vincent D'Onofrio WebSite For Fans has been getting visitors from around the world almost since day one of it being up...lately for some reason that neither of us can figure out, she has been getting a large number of visitors from germany, or at least we assume they're from germany, leaving entries in German in her guestbook...it is amusing, but frustrating, as neither of us speaks or reads german...we have tried using Google's Language Tools to translate the entries, but they don't quite seem to translate correctly...while we get the jist of what they were saying, there are some puzzling mistranslations leaving us wodering what was truly said...if any of you read german and would like to translate for us, please feel free to do so.
there have also been some funny typos, and/or non-english natives entries which we think we know what they meant, but what they said was something else...my favorite one so far is this one:
"Hello, a very nice site with awful content. Thank you!"
my girlfriend, who is a huge Johnny Depp fan, found this site a couple of weeks ago...it's a quiz to determine which Johnny Depp character you are most like (i said she was a big fan)...her result was Sam from Benny and Joon, which is one of my favorite movies...his physical comedy in it was pretty amazing, and i always loved her take on the california raisins...so, if you ever wondered which Johnny Depp character you are most like, go take the quiz and find out.
i was rumaging through my old emails and found this one that a friend had sent me years ago...i have no doubt that many of you have seen this before...no the less, i laughed my ass off re-reading it, and i'm guessing that many of you will too...those who have never read this should get a good laugh as well.
Real Life Cybersex
Budlight21: Hello, Elsie_29, What do you look like?
Elsie_29: I am wearing a red silk blouse and a miniskirt and high heels. My
measurements are 36-24-36. I work out every day. I'm toned and perfect. What
do you look like?
Budlight21: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a
pair of blue sweatpants I just bought at Walmart. I am also wearing a T-shirt
with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner - it smells a little
funny.
Elsie_29: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Budlight21: OK.
Elsie_29: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and
candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes,
smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your
huge, swelling bulge.
Budlight21: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.
Elsie_29: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Budlight21: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Elsie_29: I'm moaning softly.
Budlight21: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Elsie_29: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my
warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Budlight21: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and I accidently rip a hole in
your blouse. I'm sorry.
Elsie_29: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Budlight21: I'll pay for it.
Elsie_29: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts
are rising and falling, rising and falling, as I breathe harder and harder.
Budlight_21: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do
you have any scissors?
Elsie_29: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back and undoing
the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My
nipples are erect for you.
Budlight21: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the
clasp.
Elsie_29: I'm arching my back. Oh, baby. I just want to feel your tongue all
over me.
Budlight21: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts.
They're neat!
Elsie_29: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Budlight21: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit.
Elsie_29: What?
Budlight21: I'm so sorry. Really.
Elsie_29: I'm wiping your spit off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Budlight21: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a
curse.
Elsie_29: OK. I'm pulling your sweatpants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Budlight21: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Elsie_29: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Budlight21: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and
out, nibbling on your ... umm ... wait a minute.
Elsie_29: What's the matter?
Budlight21: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Elsie_29: Are you OK?
Budlight21: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Elsie_29: Can I help?
Budlight21: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through
the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Elsie_29: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Budlight21: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Elsie_29: Come back to me, lover.
Budlight21: I'm washing the cup now.
Elsie_29: I'm on the bed, aching for you.
Budlight21: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And
now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark. I'm lost. Where's the
bedroom?
Elsie_29: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Budlight21: I found it.
Elsie_29: I'm tugging off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Budlight21: Me, too.
Elsie_29: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies
pressing against each other.
Budlight21: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Elsie_29: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Budlight21: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses
on the night table.
Elsie_29: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Budlight21: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and
toward the bathroom.
Elsie_29: Hurry back, lover.
Budlight21: I find the bathroom. It's dark. I'm feeling around for the
toilet. I lift the lid.
Elsie_29: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Budlight21: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I
can't find it. Uh-oh!
Elsie_29: What's the matter now?
Budlight21: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry
again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Elsie_29: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Budlight21: OK, now I'm going to put my ... you know ... thing ... in your
... you know ... woman's thing.
Elsie_29: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Budlight21: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your
neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Elsie_29: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another
second! Slide it in! Screw me now!
Budlight21: I'm flaccid.
Elsie_29: What?
Budlight21: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Elsie_29: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.
Budlight21: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy.
I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Elsie_29: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear.
Now I'm putting on my wet, nasty blouse.
Budlight21: No, wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm
feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames
and your candles.
Elsie_29: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Budlight21: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your
candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a
shocked look on my face.
Elsie_29: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Budlight21: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
file this one in the who would have thunk it drawer...it turns out that one of Dick Van Dyke's favorite hobbies is creating his own special effects in a home computer lab...he told The Associate Press "I'm a computer animator. I'm a real nerd."...he stated that he does special effects, animation and everything on computer graphics, and claims to be pretty good...he also said that it was an absolutely addictive hobby...he started tinkering with the technology about 13 years ago and now does his work on a system using 4 computers tied to a 40" screen...way to go dude...i'm totally impressed that someoen his age just picked computer animation as a hobby...i'm also jealous as hell over the fact that his system blows mine away...i guess you learn something new all the time.
was watching Conan wed night and am still chuckling over the discussion between him and Ice-T...pretty funny interview from start to finish...covered lots of ground, going from style to beverages to sales technique to running a marathon to prison policy...evidently Ice-T is a hard core gamer, and floated the suggestion that they provide game consoles in prison as a method of reducing inmate conflict...after i stopped laughing, i started thinking it wasn't such a bad idea...he raised some good points:
help ease the tedium of serving your time
if you're busy gaming you aren't fighting or causing trouble
i thought about it some, and came up with several other upsides to this concept:
provides a safe outlet for anger
could use threat of bad games for punishment
prevent jailhouse apprenticing - if you are busy gaming or thinking about gaming, then you are too busy to learn new criminal skills
i'm sure with a little thought there are more reasons why this might be the solution to all the problems plaguing the penal system.
while checking my web stats for the domain, of course i had to see what sort of weirdass search strings found this blog over the last month...as usual there was quite an assortment...here, then aresome of my favorites from October:
1) ecstacy causes bipolar disorder - boy do they ever have this one wrong...i was bipolar long before ecstacy was around, as were many of my bipolar friends.
2) medicinal leeches commercial imports u.s.a. - i had no idea that there was such a thing...why would anyone want to find them...wonder if they like my blog
3) what happens if an empty coffee pot is left on the burner - someone actually needed to resarch this question???
4) riker island coffee mugs - i wonder if they have some significant value, or are they just prison mugs...hrrrmmmm
5) tengu steak jerky - is there such a thing, and if so is it any good
6) tonya harding peed her pants - i'm sure she did, when she was a baby...why of why would someone want to search on this...get a friggin life
7) photo du chimpanzee - ???
8) i fucked my best friends husband and now i can't stop - ain't that sorrier than hell...once again, get a fucking life
9) queen victoria's cat shooting - ok, who did the cat shoot??or is it the other way around?
in the course of tracking down the where SARS came from, and how it spread, scientists determined that cats and ferrets could catch and spread the disease...while they have not determined whether they can spread SARS to human, and there have been no documented cases of it cats having or spreading it in the US (at least outside a lab), somehow it will turn out they can and will do so...all part of an evil cat plot to eliminate all us dog lovers...i have seen the evil looks ourr cat gives me every time i pay attention to the dog, doubly so if i refuse him attention while doing so...i have no doubt the cat is mulling over catching SARS with the sole intent of infecting me and causing my demise in retaliation for liking the dog better...guess i better start wearing one of those medical masks from now on to protect myself...i hope it's not already too late.
talked to my dad briefly on the phone sunday, while he was waiting to fly home...one of the last things i told him was i hope you have an uneventful flight, which is of course the best sort...got a card from him today, and the last sentance read: our trip home was uneventful, if you consider 3 1/2 hours sitting front of a screaming 2 year old uneventful...after i stopped laughing (which took a while), i felt guilty for jinxing his flight...i'm sorry dad for cursing you with an uneventful flight, and i hope you can forgive me.
thank you Stephan pastis for the great view of life via pig's fish tank in this week's Pearls Before Swine...definately one of my favorite comic strips in the paper, this last week was better than usual...love the way you are using an unusual and amusing fom to provide dead on sarcasm to life.
police in Pharr, Texas lost 59 pounds of marijuana from their evidence room, forcing them to drop charges against three men...they say it may have been inadvertanly burned, according to an internal investigation....must have been one hell of a party....i bet they had the munchies for days after that one...bet 59 pounds makes one hell of a big joint...hehehe....party on dudes
having a dog (ok, he's my girlfriend's dog) has resulted in me saying things i never expected, or even considered saying...most common things i have to say to him:
1) Get your nose out of Simba's butt.
2) Quit licking your feet.
3) Quit licking the carpet.
4) Blow your nose fuzzy boy.
5) You cheeky bugger (frequently said when he steals my seat).
6) Go poddy.
7) Quit pouting, I wasn't laughing at you.
reminds me a lot of the things i said to my daughter, though she never stuck her nose in a dog's butt, and she didn't lick the carpet. Things I said to her when she was young:
1) Don't put that in your mouth.
2) Don't pick the kitty up by his back leg.
3) Because, i said so.
4) Don't wipe you hands on the cat. He isn't a towel/napkin.
5) Kitty baths don't count.
6) Kitty does not want to go camping with us.
well it's been too long since that last time i did this....some humor to lighten the mood.
Quaylism:
[I will never have] another Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy,
Jimmy Carter, Jimmy Carter grain embargo, Jimmy Carter grain embargo.
Nice try Dude:
A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted suicide. The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a fifth of vodka. When asked about the bruises about his head and chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.
If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation...
Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star,
So, Data, please, how far? How far?
Data: Our ship can get there very fast
But still the trip will last and last
We'll have two days til we arrive
But can the Indrans there survive?
Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.
LaForge: But, sir, the engines are offline!
Picard: Offline! But why? I want to go!
Please make it so, please make it so!
Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't,
We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't,
The danger here is far too great!
Picard: But surely we must not be late!
Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.
Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!
Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be?
Who lit the fire?
Riker: Not me.
Worf: Not me.
Picard: Computer, how long til we die?
Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.
Data: May I suggest a course to take?
We could, I think, quite safely make
Extinguishers from tractor beams
And stop the fire, or so it seems...
Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day!
Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!
Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much.
You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.
Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --
Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...
Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist.
We understand -- we get your gist.
But can we get our ship to go?
Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.
Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires
And that's what started all the fires.
Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no!
We need to go! We need to go!
Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy
And lock him up and ask him why?
Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental.
I say give him problems dental.
Troi: Are any Romulan ships around?
Have scanners said that they've been found?
Or is it Borg or some new threat
We haven't even heard of yet?
I sense no malice in this crew.
Now what are we supposed to do?
Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us.
They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us!"
I can't just sit and let them die!
A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!
Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.
Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.
*COMMERCIAL BREAK, COMMERCIAL BREAK
HOW LONG WILL THESE DUMB ADS TAKE?*
Worf: The saboteur is in the brig.
He's very strong and very big.
I had my phaser set on stun --
A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one!
He would not budge, he would not fall,
He would not stun, no, not at all!
He changed into a stranger form
All soft and purple, round and warm.
Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf?
Did you see this creature morph?
Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly.
Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.
Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend!
Our troubles now are at an end!
Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly
And orbit yonder Indran sky!
Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?
Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.
Picard: Then make it so!
THE END
well a bit late in writing this i guess, but love when the day starts with a great laugh....i love a clever comic and sunday's paper had two in truly fine form....."Pearls Before Swine" had me laughing to tears today....a twisted commentary that so matches some things i have said, if in a different way....the best part is the two frames of rat's laughing followed by his parting comment....."Foxtrot" was also in classic form....while Jason's changes to the teleprompter were great, the mental image of the steel cage judo death match between bill gates and linus torvald was swwet and the thought of wolf blitzer mindlessly reciting fear me in klingon had me going for about five minutes...wish they were all so funny every day, but i guess it does make the great ones that much funnier.
today's ration of stuff
Quaylism:
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children."
This Is Why Most People Should Stay Out Of The Forest. Actual Comments Left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by hikers completing wilderness camping trips.
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
i forgot the daily humor stuff, and imersed myself in seriousness...much needed change of pace, back to the daily silliness...today we have
Quaylism:
I want to be Robin to Bush's Batman.
Questions Actually Asked Of Park Rangers At Carlsbad Caverns:
"How much of the cave is underground?"
"So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?"
"Does it ever rain in here?"
"So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?"
Quotes from History EXams And papers of 7th - 12th Grade Students:
"The Magna Carta provided that no free men should be hanged twice for the same offense."
"Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head."
"Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes."
"The system involving barons and lords was called the futile system."
"Milton wrote 'Paradise Lost.' Then his wife dies, and he wrote 'Paradise Regained.'"
"Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe."
"The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died, and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this."
"Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead."
"Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms."
"Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel."
"Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English."
"Bach died from 1750 to the present."
"Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He expired in 1827 and later died for this."
"[Napoleon] wanted an heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children."
"The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West."
"Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years."
"Queen Victoria's reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of a great personality."
"Queen Victoria's death was the final event which ended her reign."
"Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis."
"Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Spices."
"It was the painter Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance."
"Without Greeks, we wouldn't have history."
"One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable."
"Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey."
"Actually, Homer was not written by Homer, but by another man of the same name."
"In the Olympics Games, Greeks ran races jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java."
"The government of Athen was democratic because the people took the law into their own hands."
"When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men."
"Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks."
"The Whiskey Rebellion was when some people got smashed and went and rebelled."
well now that i have exorcised my demons, here is some more silly ass shit to lighten the mood....today's stuff:
Quaylism:
We should develop anti-satellite weapons because we could not have prevailed
without them in 'Red Storm Rising'.
Pun:
In the middle ages, there was a science called Alchemy. It was the forerunner of chemistry, and many men tried their luck with it, as it was believed that you could do things like turn lead into gold.
These high hopes were eventually dashed, but the practice did turn up some suprising findings.
For example, it was discovered that if you put some ordinary looking herbs into sea water when the moon is full, it would instantly vanish.
After all: thyme in tide waits for no man.
A List:
Things I've Learned From Movies
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets.
If you find yourself caught up in a misunderstanding that could be cleared up quickly with a simple explanation, for goodness sake, keep your mouth shut.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
A cough is usually the sign of a terminal illness.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
When in love, it is customary to burst into song.
When confronted by an evil international terrorist, sarcasm and wisecracks are your best weapons.
One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them than 20 men firing at 1 man.
Creepy music coming from a cemetery should always be investigated more closely.
If being fired at by Germans, hide in a river - or even a bath. German bullets are unable to penetrate water.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
Freelance helicopter pilots are always eager to accept bookings from international terrorist organizations - even though the job will require them to shoot total strangers and will end in their own certain death as the helicopter explodes in a ball of flames.
All computer disks will work in all computers, regardless of operating systems or configuations.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste by their actions.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
You can tell if somebody is British because they will be wearing a bow tie.
When driving a car it is normal to look not at the road but at the person sitting beside you or in the back seat for the entire journey.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Having a job of any kind will make father's forget their son's eighth birthday.
Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.
If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert in Nuclear Fission at age 22.
The more a man and a woman hate each other, the more likely they will fall in love.
a few days ago, while miserably sick, i was sleeping on the couch....this was because i was having difficulty falling asleep, and was thrashing about in bed, which was keeping my poor girlfriend from sleeping too...so i tried to sleep on the couch...we have this odd cat, btw...he is about 10, small (maybe7 lbs), who wandered in from the road years ago as a 4 week old kitten and stayed...his name is spaz, and he has the loudest fucking meow i have ever heard...he is normally quiet until he wants something (usually out), then he starts to meow....one or two moderately quiet ones, and then he starts cranking them out with increasing volume and frequency...just like an alarm clock....so there i am, sort of alseep, and having a very odd dream, which i can't recall when the alarm cat goes off...being sick, groggy and confused, i start flailing around behind my head for the alarm, which of course is in the other room on the headboard where it belongs...obviously the alarm is now getting louder and faster and i still am not aware that i'm not in the bed and that this is the cat, not alarm, begin thrashing spaticly around in a frantic daze trying to shut the damn thing off...this results in my knoing seveal things off the side table, and then falling off the couch , which wakes me up...though it takes another couple of minutes to sort out, that the cat is the noise, i wasn't dreaming, and i must do something to appease him so he will stop...my fuzzy brain connects the dots, i tumble to my feet, walk to the door, so of course the damn cat runs into the kitchen...we play ring around the kitchen a few times bfore i finally catch hime and put him outside....i am now of course wide awake, at 7 in the morning, no hope of falling back asleep and confused as hell, because i can't shake the thought that this was all some deranged dream...nope just another day it seemed....thankfully the thrashing tapered off, so i'm back to sleeping in the bed, but one thing is for sure....i will take an alarm clock over that new fangled alarm cat anytime....he has no sleep button, and you have to chase him to shut his alarm off, which is not how i like waking up at all.
this is the last daily until after my "vacation", so here it is in all it's glory...
Quaylism:
When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
Some Other Quotes:
I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said 'Stephen, why haven't you called me.... I said, "I can't call everyone I want... my (new) phone has no 'five' on it."... He said, "How long have you had it?"... I said, "I don't know... my calendar has no 'seven's on it."
- Steven Wright -
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
- Emo Phillips -
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character. - Charles Barkley - , on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself "the Charles Barkley of figure skating"
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain -
A List Of Things Bart Simpson Is Writing On The Blackboard At The Start Of The Show:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nthing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I wil not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will never win an emmy.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I did not see Elvis.
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".
Garlic gum is not funny.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not fake my way through life.
Tar is not a plaything.
I will not Xerox my butt.
It's potato, not potatoe.
I will not trade pants with others.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not sell school property.
I will not burp in class.
I will not cut corners.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not show off.
I will not sleep through my education.
I am not a dentist.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will finish what I sta
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
well better late than completely spaced out i suppose.
Quaylism:
"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have
was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with
those people."
Pun:
It's Harvest Sunday at a small village church in rural England, and the vicar is organising his annual harvest service, where people bring their home-grown plants and vegetables to the service.
But this year is different. The local village cricket team has just won their league, and the village is in celebratory mood, so the vicar decides to do something special - he will combine the normal harvest service with a cricket theme.
The day of the service arrives, and the church is filled with flowers. People are bringing in their offerings of vegetables, and in the middle of the display is a cricket wicket; a strip of turf with a set of wooden stumps at each end, and people are laying their offerings on the wicket.
Everything is going fine, until one lady comes up to the front of the church, and places a bag of frozen peas among the other vegetables, but she is stopped by the vicar, so she returns to her seat, still clutching her peas.
"What happened?" asked the lady she's sitting next to.
She shrugs her shoulders, and says:
"There's no peas for the wicket."
Actual Classified Ads:
Classified Ad Blunders
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find in the cartoons and comic strips:
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepperd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.
7 ounces of choice sirloin steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
Great Dames for sale.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawny Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Stock up and save. Limit: one.
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last .
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens.
For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Christmans tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
See ladies blouses. 50% off!
Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
here are today's gratuitous fillers:
Quaylism:
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in
this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live
in this century."
A quote from one of the greatest writers of my generation:
"When the going gets weird. The weird turn pro."
Hunter S. Thompson
Pun:
In the days of yore, a knight was on his way to do something terribly important, riding his horse into the ground to get to his destination as fast as possible.
After being ridden too hard for too long, his horse became lame, and seeing a small town ahead he headed straight for the stables there.
"I must have a horse!" he cried "The life of the King depends upon it!"
The stablekeeper shook his head. "I have no horses," he said. "They have all been taken in the service of your King."
"You must have something - a pony, a donkey, a mule, anything at all?" the knight asked.
"Nothing..... unless.... no, I couldn't"
The knight's eyes lit up. "Tell me!"
The stablekeeper leads the knight into the stable. Inside is a dog, but no ordinary dog. This dog is a giant, almost as large as the horse the knight was riding. But it is also the filthiest, shaggiest, smelliest, mangiest dog that the knight has ever seen.
Swallowing, the knight said "I'll take it. Where is the saddle?"
The stablekeeper walked over to a saddle near the dog and started gasping for breath, holding the walls to keep himself upright. "I can't do it." he told the knight.
"You must give me the dog!" cried the knight. "Why can't you?"
The stablekeeper said "I just couldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
Things actually said/asked to/of librarians:
I'm looking for a book."
"Do you have books here?"
"Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"
"Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"
"I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids." -- The actual title is "Slow Waltz In Cedar Bend."
"Where is the reference desk?" -- Asked of a worker sitting at a desk, over which was a sign saying 'REFERENCE DESK'.
"Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"
"Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?"
"I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"
"I need a color photograph of George Washington." -- Other individuals asked for, by other patrons, are Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, and more.
"Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"
"I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck."
"Is the basement upstairs?"
"I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."
"I got a quote from a book I turned in last week but I forgot to write down the author and title. It's big and red, and I found it on the top shelf. Can you find it for me?"
"Do you have anything good to read?" -- The response was, "No, ma'am. I'm afraid we have 75,000 books, and they're all duds."
A Library Anecdote:
Patron: "I am looking for a globe of the earth."
Librarian: "We have a table-top model over here."
Patron: "No, that's not good enough. Don't you have a life-size?"
Librarian: (pause) "Yes, but it's in use right now."
as threatened, here is today's nonsense
Quaylism:
I not going to focus on what I have done in the past
what I stand for, what I articulate to the American people.
The American people will judge me on what I am saying and what I
have done in the last 12 years in the Congress.
Pun:
The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.
He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.
So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars
Another List:
The 8 Worst Convenience Foods
By PENMART10@aol.com
Meeter's Kraut Juice (Stokely USA): Yes, that's sauerkraut juice, which is even worse than it sounds. The taste and smell can be a bit, well, harsh, but KJ is reputed by its fans to have certain medicinal benefits (as a source of vitamin C, cure for intestinal bugs, etc.), which adds up to a classic case of the cure being worse than the disease.
Guycan Corned Mutton with Juices Added (Bedessee Imports): The best thing about this Uruguayan canned good is the very pouty-looking sheep on the package label -- he seems to be saying, "Go on, eat me already." The second-best thing is the presence of both "cooked mutton" and "mutton" in the ingredients listing, which would seem to have all the mutton bases covered.
Armour Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (Dial Corp.): If you're really looking to clog up those arteries in a hurry, you'll be pleased to learn that a single serving of pork brains has 1,170 percent of our recommended daily cholesterol intake. All the more ingenious, then, that the label on this product helpfully features a recipe for brains and scrambled eggs.
Sweet Sue Canned Whole Chicken (Sweet Sue Kitchens, Inc.): From its size (think growth-impaired Cornish hen) to its overall appearance (it's stewed in a quivering mass of aspic goop), this product may change forever your idea of what constitutes a chicken. Gives new meaning to the old line about meat "falling off the bone."
Musk Life Savers (Nestle Confectionery): You may think musk is a scent, but over in Australia, they think it's a candy flavor. A candy flavor that tastes disturbingly like raw meat, to be precise. But what did you expect from a country where everyone happily consumes Vegemite?
Blind Robins Smoked Ocean Herring (recently discontinued by Bar Food Products): Possibly the world's most bizarre prepackaged tavern snack. Interestingly, the product's titular robin isn't actually blind, he's blindfolded -- the better, presumably, to avoid looking at these heavily salted herring strips, which look like giant slugs.
Kylmaenen Reindeer Pate` (Kylmaenen Oy): This Finnish canned good may not be particulary tasty, but at least it answers the age-old question of why Rudolph was so eager for that safe, steady job on Santa's sleigh team -- he didn't want to end up a cracker spread.
Tengu Clam Jerky (Tengu Co.): Nothing you've ever consumed can prepare you for the horror that is clam jerky. Still, this product does score a sort of conceptual coup: If you're the sort who's always found raw clams too slimy and gelatinous for your taste, these dried, shriveled mollusks will help you dislike clams on a whole new level.
[Note - originally appeared in rec.food.cooking. Reprinted with permission of PENMART10@aol.com. All are reportedly real products - ed.]
just because i was bored, i decided to start a running waste of time and space each day, until i get bored, enough people beg me to stop, or i run out of pointless stuff to fill it with...this was inspired by a combination of boredom, this post at Dog Snot Diaries, and my last post, which reminded me just how profound Dan Quayle could be, oh sorry, meant profoundly confused...i also happen to love puns, the worse, the better...here is today's assortment:
Quaylism - "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Playlist -
Leftfield - Essential Mix(4-16-2000)
Satoshi Tomiie - Live At Ibiza
Fatboy Slim - Live on Brighton Beach(7-13-2002)
Brooklyn Bounce - In The Restart Mix
Infected Mushroom - Live On thump Radio(9-23-2001)
Pun - After Quasimodo's death, the Bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day. Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The Bishop was incredulous.
"You have no arms!" said he.
"No matter," said the armless chap, "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The Bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below. The stunned Bishop rushed to his side.
When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the Bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"
"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, " I don't know his name . . . . ."but his face sure rings a bell."
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the Bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The Bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he moaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot. The monks, hearing the Bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught Bishop, but . . ." "He's a dead ringer for his brother."
And Finally A List -
The Warning Signs of Insanity
Your friends tell you that you have been acting strange lately, then you hit them several times with a sledgehammer.
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of place that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.
You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.
Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.
You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you stepped on as a child, and worry that their descendants are going to one day seek revenge.
You have meaningful conversations with your blender.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people who try to sell you things.
You scream "I've got a knife!" to people at your family reunion
You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because you wanted to be on the island too.
You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.
Every time you see the commercial for the Hair Club For Men, you think to yourself, "I think I'll kill the pope today."
You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.
You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.
You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used it.
just happened across a site i hadn't visited in years...these guys have collected a wonderful collection of things really said , nicely sorted by topic, and subject or group...of course my personal favorites are the page of Dan Quayle Quotes, which can always put a grin on my face...good old dan, the man who makes everyone feel smart, no matter how airheaded you're feeling...must be very pleasant being him, you know that old no brains no pains thing
dying to be an artist, but can't paint, and are intimidated by photoshop and other graphics applications...or just looking for something fun to accupy a few minutes...well go check out the interactive painting games at Nina Waisman's Art & Design Site and click on the links near the top of the page to create you very own pop-art or all out painting games...simple fun, and very cool...while you're there take a look at samples of her paintings, graphic design work, and commercial web work.
narrowly avoided two completely boneheaded actions earlier by the thinnest of margins, reminding me how quickly my personal train of thought (which i'm beginning to believe is often that special bus on rails) becomes derailed...it's appalling that i can be operating completely devoid of thought, realize my peril, and then instantly be derailed in the blink of an eye.
i pour myself a cup of coffee, walk to the toher end of the counter to put some sugar in it, set my cup down, noticing that my girlfriend has made herself a mug of bovril (it is a hot drink similar, i think, to beef broth, from england) (yes, she is english) (no, i am not, and have never actually tried the stuff, nor will i), pick up the spoon she used and stop myself a fraction of an inch above the surface of the sugar in the bowl when it finally sinks in that a clean spoon is needed for this...while never having experimented to prove or disprove this principle, i am certain that beef broth is not likely to improve the taste of either sugar or coffee...i walk over grab a spoon from the drawer get sugar, and catch myself just about to add it to her mug, instead of mine...i leave the spoon in my mug, thinking this will prevent further mishap walk to refrigerator to get the cream, open the door and forget why i am standing there...after staring vacantly into the refrigerator, and randomly grabbing at things, i finally remember why i was there, grab the cream and head back to the counter...where despite the spoon sticking out of my mug, catch myself at the last second (again) just in time to avoid adding it to her bovril...mind you it was not the lack of a spoon that clued me here (or even the completely different size, shape and color of the mugs), but the color of the liquid that signaled STOP...i did manage to complete preparing my coffee from that point with out further mishaps, or narrowly escaped mishaps to my relief
things like this are all too common for me over the course of an average day (they may be that way while i sleep as well, probably are i just don't know for sure), and while some days i am lucky and stay aware of what i am doing, others i feel like swiss cheese replaced memory during sleep...i am pretty sure this is not some early onset of senility, or drug induced short term memory loss...i believe it is more akin to the absent minded professor thing, because i remember being this way my whole life(though i could be deluding myself, and never know)...so, do me a favor please, and if you happen to see me looking about in confusion (or staring vacantly) suddenly, in the middle of a sentance or doing doing something, nudge me or something, to help me put the train back on the tracks
for a wide variety of reasons these are a few quotes that i dig...some are funny, some stupid, some weird, and some just great...am including why or what i like about it, with each in parens....got your own favorite(s), then share it with me/us please
"Where ever you go. There you are."
Buckaroo Banzai
(flawless logic, in a slightly twisted obvious way...from one of my favorite movies, that no one has ever seen)
"Skeed Pills...Peed Skills...Keed Spills...Oh, Fuck It"
Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
(a great quote from a great comic)
"I Don't Have Time To Bleed"
Jesse ventura from Predator
(perhaps the dumbest line ever uttered in a movie)
"I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future."
Dan Quayle
(so hard to pick just one)
"I'm so happy, dancing while the grim reaper cuts, cuts, cuts, but he can't get me"
Danny Elfman from No One Lives Forever
(great line from a great song)
"If you ain't for the Chargers, then you ain't for shit"
San Diego Chargers Fan T-shirt
(obviously meant to be worn by those who don't realize what it really says...and yes i saw more than one chargers fan proudly wearing this shirt)
"Can't sleep, clowns will eat me"
Unsure of this one's origin
(paranoid weirdness at its very best)
"you knew this was a dangerous job when you took it"
super chicken to his sidekick fred
(Jay Ward Rules)
"Trust me, you really don't want to know what I think" or "I don't think"
My catch all answers for questions best never asked
scavenged from an email i got back in 99...slightly updated, edited and mutilated by me to fit my present mood:
I've learned- that you cannot make someone
love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope
they panic and give in.
I've learned- that no matter how much I
care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned- that it takes years to build
up trust, and only seconds to
destroy it.
I've learned - that you can get by on charm
for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd
better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned- that you shouldn't compare
yourself to others - they are more fucked up than
you think, and who elected them as the standard anyway
I've learned- that you can keep puking long
after you think you're finished. I also learned that puking
while maniacly grinning and laughing is wrong to the core.
I've learned- that we are responsible for
what we do, unless we are celebrities, politicians, students,
or morally bankrupt.
I've learned- that sometimes the people you
expect to kick you when you're down will be the
ones who do, so will the ones don't.
I've learned- that we don't have to ditch
bad friends because their dysfunction makes us
feel better about ourselves.
I've learned- that no matter how hard you
try to protect your children, they will
eventually get arrested and end up in the local
paper.
I've learned- that the people you care most
about in life are taken from you too soon. And
all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned- that telemarketers do not undestand the words no,
solicitation, not interested, drop dead, leave me alone, or die
you gravy sucking pig.
Iv'e learned- people who do things for your best interest, don't have a clue what your best interests are.
Found this wonderful bit of humor in this mornings Dallas Morning News, Sunday Reader Section.
Hundreds of Washington Post readers submitted excellent suggestions of where the WMD have gone. The DMN printed the top ten, in no particular order. This One is my favorite (yes I am one of those pun loving sick bastards).
Submitted by Lewis Roth, assistant executive director, Americans For Peace Now
"Saddam Hussein's stockpile of weapons have been ground into radioactive bird feed to raise a species of super chickens capable of scratching out simple subtraction problems in the dirt. These new chickens will be know as Capons Of math Deduction.
thank you so much to Lewis Roth, The Washington Post, and The Dallas Morning News for letting me start my day by laughing till it hurt...wish they all started that way