while making a feeble attempt to actually read some of the blogs in my "I Read These" list, i found this gem Girl: 7 Habits...i had foolishly assumed that this book had died the death it so richly deserves...of course it hasn't...she has some interesting things to say about it, and even better, had included linkage to a few choice parodys of it...enjoy..i did.
in an effort to help get through the season, i turn to music as i often do...my tastes can get even more varied than usual...thought you might wonder what i'm listening to so.
Tonight's fairly eclectic playlist:
Vanessa Mae - Toccata and Fugue in D Minor
Murrayhead - One Night In Bancock
Pato Bantan - Absolute Perfection
Oingo Boingo - No One Lives Forever
The Cure - Let's Go To Bed
Wall Of Voodoo - Ring Of Fire
Duran Duran - A View To A Kill (Art Of Noise Mix)
The Smithereens - Behind A Wall Of Sleep
Duran Duran - Save A Prayer (Thunder In Our Hearts DMC Mix)
Oingo Boingo - Pain
The Smiths - Bigmouth Strikes Again
Meat Puppets - Lake Of Fire
Johnny Winter - Mean Mistreater
Alice In Chains - Brother
The Band - The Weight
Jethro Tull - A New Day Yesterday
Traffic - The Low Spark Of High Heeled Boys
Garbage - Milk (Completely Trashed Mix)
Fun Boy Three - Our Lips Are Sealed
Depeche Mode - Waiting for The Night (Rabbit In The Moon Remix)
The Crystal Method - Keep Hope Alive (Trip Hope Mix)
Portishead - Scorn (Glorybox Mix)
Moloko - Fun For Me
The Crystal Method - Vegas (Complete Album)
Rabbit In The Moon - Live At 3
Nickolas Sandoval, 24, died Wednesday in Corinth, after asphyxiating on a bag of marijuana...the story left me feeling totally depressed by the circumstances leading to his terrible, and unnecessary death...he was stopped on the side of the road changing a flat tire, and evidently panicked when police pulled in behind him with lights flashing to render assistance, and tried to swallow a plastic bag containing an unspecified large amount of pot...one officer attempted to use the Heimlich manuver, while the other radioed for assistance...paramedics were able to remove the bag, but could not revive him...it turned out that he had plead no contest to three misdemeanor possession charges for marijuana in 1999, and 2001...i'm guessing that those previous involvements with the legal system had left him scarred by the experience and unable to control the panic at the thought of suffering further dealings with the police, and injustice system...while in this instance, the police had only stopped to help, it seems obvious that past brushes with the law were very bad...having been victimized by the police in the past, i certainly understand how a person might feel that any police presence is going to be a bad thing...dealing with the courts, and probation department is even worse...the worst thing is that this could have easily been prevented if society would stop insisting on turning people into criminals, just because they smoke pot...yes it is illegal, but so what...it is less harmful than alcohol, yet the system, at least in Texas, acts as if smoking a joint is worse than murder...maybe things will change some day, but i'm not holding my breath.
sorry for the lack of entries lately, but things have been so damned depressing in the news i just couldn't deal with it...seems like things are going to hell in a handbasket on every front....local news is bad...national news worse....international worse yet...be nice to see some bright spot somewhere, but the world won't cooperate....so tired of all the hate and mean-spirited shit....sick to death of the childish crap being done in the name of some religion or another....grow the fuck up you stupid children...quit twisting your holy books to justify things that violate the core principals of your faith...bet all your prophets are spinning in their graves, seeing what you have done, and continue to do in their names....why don't you all just go kill yourselves, and let the rest of us get on with trying to live our lives in peace
well lost another week to the bipolar roller coaster it seems....thought it would be otherwise, but had productive manic phase turn into unproductive manic frustration....this was followed by a couple of days of depressive apathy, and a few more of pointless self-recrimination for unproductive time lost....wheee, ain't life fun.
the last few weeks have been a real bitch....had this thing, which would not go away, depite 3 visits to the dr, many antibiotics, and learning that i can add both ambien and progesterone to my long list of drugs that i will never take again due to unpleasant side effects...ambien seems to turn my into a twitching, spastic wreck, instead of putting me to sleep, and the progesterone made me miserable in several ways instead of helping....sigh...2 days ago, my girlfriend suggests that the fact i had not gotten any decent sleep for two weeks might be me from getting well, which totally made sense.
she also pointed out that my sleeplessness, and thashing about in bed, which was causing her to not sleep might not really be flu, but anxiety or depression....the lightbulb snapped on and i realize she is so totally right...then i wonder how i missed that thought....one of her klonapin, and a full night of sleep, plus seeing an old friend, then having a wonderful talk with her after getting home, i know she nailed it right on....i feel kinda dumb for missing those little signs, as i have know i'm bipolar for 15+ years and normally am totally aware of my mental state without needing a reminder...maybe the flu and lack of sleep masked it, i don't know...thankful she got me back on track tho, as that day had been horrible...being bipolar is odd....i'm sure most people who are not, think it is bad, or that a figment of our imagination....while long dpressive states are bad (what an understatement), as are some manic states, for me being bipolar is just a fact of my life...it is rarely dull, never predictable, but has great moments and i don't think i could be normal comfotrtably now....i'm lucky, because i have had great friends there for me over the years, and i generally don't swing too far from center....i also have this great girlfriend, who also being bipolar, understands me, and better yet accepts me as i am.
back to the depression thing here....for me, and every person i have known at all well who is bipolar, depression is part of life...the sucky part but part for sure....depression is especially bad the longer it lasts, because it weakens resolve, and drains your will to live....i want you to understand, that i will never willing commit suicide, i know how cruel that is to people who care....and i don't think most bipolar peeps really feel too much differently, it's more a loss of caring if you live, and weariness from the crushing weight of pain, which makes you blase about living rather than actively trying to die...for instance, when it is bad , as it was the other day, driving is a struggle to not just let go of the wheel and see what happens, or if i were criossing the street, i probably would n't run out the way of that semi, but then again wouldn't walk in front of it on purpose...just don't care....we all seem to be somewhat of risk takers in various ways....everyone i know would never hesititate to run in front of a speeding bus trying to save a child pet or friend....it's not bravery, just don't fear death, and value those we love much more than we value our selves....we think about dying alot, compared to normal people too i think....for me good day i olny think about dying 2 or 3 times...those very rare great days not at all....normal days i guess the thought crosses my mind about once an hour, bad days, it sticks in my head nonstop...i'm used to that, anhd i don't need protection from myself, because as i said i won't kill myself, i have survived two extremely long crushing depressive episodes of over a year and am still around so i'm sure i will be for some time yet....i do wish the hurt would go away and never come back, as i am tired, you get very tired of hurting....i live for the good days/hours....they make up for the pain, and the echos of those really great ones ease the pain on all but the darkes days....don't feel sorry for me, i don't...i hate the bad, but you will never feel the good of those great manic states, and there is no drug that comes even close to that feeling....especially when fed by having brought happiness to a person i love....i can go months off that feeing no sweat....i wish i could share one of my manic highs with all you who can never experience it, i like to share happiness...cool thing about having a bipolar girlfriend and my bipolar friends is we can share that manic high....if you happen to be somewhere and you see a small group of people glowing with joy for no apparent reason, you might want to talk to them....we always feel like we are glowing with it, and throwing an aura of pure biochemical goodness outaward, so you might get lucky, find we actually are and it rubs off a bit on you....of course on the flipside when you see us, usually alone and it's hurt/anger/pain we are radiating, just let us be....it sure ain't about you...while we may appear to hate the world, it is ourselves we are really hating at that moment, but will share if you insist.....being bipolar, has also taught me that i could never fear hell, and i don't fear physical pain at all, it never hurts as much as emotional pain...i also know when it comes to hurting me, don't waste your time, no can hurt me like i can...you are rank amatures in comparison, i am the pro at self loating and self inflicted mental anguish....my worst enemy, but also my best friend.....i'm stonger than you can imagine, weaker than a feather...and fucking nuts
still trying to shake off one of THOSE family calls....my mom this time, alas...another one of way too many miscommunications with one of my parents that left them confused and upset, and me hanging up abruptly in desperation, trapped in another full blown anxiety attack...i really hate anxiety attacks, especially bad ones like this one, because i end up reduced to a stuttering, twitching mess, curled into the tight ball rocking untinl it goes away.....ugh...i hate feeling helpless in any way, let alone totally...
a little background to explain...i'm bipolar, somewhat adhd, have a slight seizure disorder (which is much worse when highly stressed emotionally). and since suffering a huge breakdown a few years ago, prone to anxiety attacks...yup i'm a mess...well not really, and not most of the time anymore, thanks to my girlfriend, who helped me claw my way out of suicidal depression...it takes a special person to put up with 18 months of that...i'm not a kid if you wonder, turned 44 this year (about 26 years longer than i expected, at least so far)...i also, as you guess have a less than desirable relationship with either of my parents, in fact with almost all of my family except my sibs, and couple of cousins
there are few subjects that my parents and i can discuss comfortably anymore, which makes me sad, them too i imagine...we all share blame for this, btw...there are some subjects, however that are truly traumatic (at least for me), money being the absolute worst...it's so bad for me now, that i will have anxiety attacks for days if i have to ask either of them for help...i hate having to ask, feel totally shitty about being unable to support myself, but i can't even think about trying to go back to work without ending up seriously depressed for a week or so...i don't like that either...don't like depending on other's generosity for survival, until the breakdown had worked and pretty much supported myself since 18, had jobs since 15 i think...i am proud of the fact i was able to do so for so long, as being bipolar and keeping jobs, especially ones that pay well are somewhat mutually exclusive...most employers expect you to show up at a certain time, not miss many days, and maintain a professional attitude, which i can't do...mind you i have always given my employers more, and better work than expected, or paid for
anyway, back to the point...despite my best efforts, and i do try, i would end up turning to them every 4 or 5 years for help...usually coinciding with depressive swings....i didn't know i was bipolar until my very late 20's and didn't tell them until early 30's, so for a long time i think they felt i was just irresponsible, and told me so, which btw made me feel like shit, esp b4 i knew why i was having trouble...well they do know now, in fact have for many years, yet very little has really changed in how they leave me feeling when forced to ask for help from them moneywise, thus the anxiety attacks
so the latest episode was spawned from needing to ask my mom to send a check to repay my girlfriends dad back for a visit to an eye specialist...i had to see two actually, first referred me to another for a second opinion...when i went to the first she offered to reimburse for both, but it was several weeks between visits, and when she didn't ask how much for the second visit afterwards (not really her fault, she prolly expected me to ask or tell her) i was trapped...three months later, i ask my brother (in passing during a call) to ask her if she could send a check, cause i'm freakin bigtime just thinking about asking, he does, but it gets garbled and she thinks i need money for a new dental problem (which does not exist), so she calls me to find out whats up
i start to panic once i realise what has happened, and within seconds i'm doomed...what upsets me about this, is what happens once the anxiety attack starts clamping down, because instead of letting it go, she starts pressing and this makes it much worse...she gets confused, then upset, and i lose almost two days recovering...the last few minutes go something like this:
mom-chris (my brother) said you need money for dental work, what's wrong with your teeth
me-uh, uh, uh, uhuh,uh (in my head, oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck)
mom-he didn't know what's wrong, what do you need
me-muh,muh,muh,muh, n,n,n,n,n,n,n
mom-it's ok, you can tell me
me-neh,neh,neh,neh,neh
mom-really it's ok, i don't mind helping with medical bills...
me-nuh, nuh nuh, t,t,t,t,t,t..wwwwwww
(this for about two minutes, then)
me-nuthing wrong with my teeth, nnnnnnnnevermind
mom-no, no, tell me
(another two minutes,i finally force it out)
me-yuh,yuh,yuh,you,seh,seh,seh,uh,uh,uh,when i saw the,the,the first doctor that yuh,yuh,yuh,yuh, wu,wu,wu,wu,would p,p,p,p,p,pay f,f,f,for,buh,buh,buh,both,vi,vi...(i am twitching like made and almost in tears at this point)
mom-of course, why didn't you just ask
(now i'm completely freaked)
me-beh,beh,beh,ebcause,wuhwuhwuhwhen you di,di,di,didn't a,a,a,a,a,ask how muh muh muh muh, much after the seh,seh,sehcond, i i i i i i, cuh cuh cuh (in my head i am now just creaming incoherently)
(this is where it gets really ugly)
mom-we never really talk about money issues, i don't mind helping with medical bills, but feel that you sort of use us as a cushion with your other requests, and i don't know if just sending you money is helpful to you, you know i feel it may make it harder for you to be responsible with your money (this was maybe fair, tho mean, when she didn't know i was bipolar...but cuts to the bone now, as she knows how bad things have been for me the last few years, and that i barely survived them)
me-uh,uh,uh,uh,uh (completely panic striken and wanting to end this conversation)
mom-it's ok, we should talk about this, we haven't in a long time
me-nuh,nuh,nuh,nuh
mom-it's ok we really should, you don't need to feel bad
me-(must end call, must tell her must end call, can't talk, help me please, make it stop, please,please,please)
(after another two million years of agony)
me-cuh,cuh,cuh,i,i,i, can'tdothisrightnowigottago (hangup)
i felt like shit, cause i know she is hurt cause i just more or less hung up, but what the hell am i supposed to do...i'm upset cause i feel she should have figured out that my increasing distress is saying, BACK OFFF THIS PLEASE...i never stuttered until the last few years, so it seems an obvious signal of distress...maybe it's just me (no it isn't, because my gf agrees) that if you care about someone, you don't push in a situation like that....my parents are not ignorent of the medical issues here, my dad is a doctor, and my mom suffered bad depression after their divorce, do they think i am making it up, or that i am just trying to get them in some way...i DON"T FUCKING UNDERSTAND...
i wonder what life is like in a functional family
what a relief to finally finish a new piece, esp one that i have been trying to complete for months...these last few months have been frustrating in so many ways...having to devote so much of my time and myself to getting myself and my g/f through the trauma of selling her ranch...and then having several graphics that i can visualize the completed lokk as clear as day, and having no clue how to get it there....just fumbling about and frustrating myself totally which only made dealing with everything else harder...times like these last few months i wish that every person in my life that proved their total lack of comprehehsion of how difficult being bipolar makes life by uttering any one of the hundreds of things people tell you thinking it helps when at best they only annoy and often increase those lovely feelings of being about 1/2 step out of synch with the rest of the world...sometimes i am amazed that the suicide rate for bipolar people is only %25...seems like it should be around %50 or more...i know a large reason i am still walking around is the i am not into following trends...i almost never like in any way or have an urge to participate in popular or hot things....fuck, maybe i am really out of synch with the rest of the world
TANSTAAFL
Well, been doin better about commenting and postin in the forums, then i realised that i had missed responses to stuff i said....life *sigh*...at least i think i am balancing my time a bit more evenly in here the last week....now if i could only spend more time here....maybe soon....things finally mellowed out a lot yesterday and i got a big weight off my back....need to do some art, flush the lingering blech out....of course it is never that simple....hopefully will be able to devote some time to it....tho still need to devote more to trying to earn a living some how too....no one ever said things would come easy....does let me appreciate them more tho
Got some really helpful comments tonite...reworked a piece in two variations and can't wait to get feedback...amazing how much positive effect on my mood creating and feedback both bring...wish i had found this out years ago
thankfully seem to have survived another christmas...stress was really bad there for the last few days...now maybe i can relax and try and create...keep my fingers crossed
back after a short hiatus, due to my anual bronchitus fun...feeling really good after some critique from my sister...i wish, oh i wish i had her artistic talents...posted a new wallpaper after some final tweaking and 24 hours coming up with a title...why is the name so important...seems naming my stuff matters as much as creating for some reason...oh well, cant fight these things...i wish i could spend more time admiring and commenting on the art here...maybe a faster connect would help...i know finishing pending projects will...guilt weighs heavily alas
This is the first entry from my deviantart journal
finally got up the nerve to quit lurking and submit something...cool...something else to stress over...this last 18 months have really been something else...nothing like a long dip into the deep end of the pool of depression with a few random bouts of disphoric mania to remind you that surviving life is hard work...the only good things to come out of it all so far, are a kick ass girl friend, discovering this site, and finding that screaming in photoshop is much better than screaming internally while memorizing the ceiling over the bed for the umpteenth time...heh...strangely enough i think things are improving (at least i hope im not just fooling myself) somewhat recently, and with a little luck maybe figure out how to talk to my dad, and with a lot get a new system in the next couple of months...think i will try and be productive in some way for a bit...maybe more tomorrow
well...i'm back after a bit of a hiatus...seems like life has this odd habit of reminding me that i shouldn't take things for granted...especially not those small things like having a job, a home or sanity(tho this is a relative thing anyway)...i have to remember to stay alert for that other shoe dropping...i admit that it was my own fault, i got a bit cocky...i forgot that although you can make yourself irreplacable at work, this does you no good if you company mismanages themselves out of the contract you work on(btw, being able to say "i told you so" doesn't pay your bills)...if you are not working, then unfortunately you often no longer have a home(if you can't pay the rent they throw you out of the kitchen)
I also sold too many of my friends short in too many ways...some(ok almost all of them) i expected too much out of them...i have this problem with holding others to the same impossible standards i hold myself...it isn't like i am a perfectionist(well not exactly), but i have very high standards for my behavior and actions(i disappoint myself frequently, alas)...i also don't cut myself much slack when i fall short(yes, this leads to lots of problems), and am very hard on myself when i fall short...needless to say i am disappointed in myself all too often, and alas get disappointed in others quite often too...i should not blame some one for taking advantage of me, when i spoil them...if you consistantly let some one bend your rules, you should not be surprised when they break them...this is probably not one of my better similies, but i hope you get what i mean
My most foolish mistake though was in thinking that some members of my family had changed....hrmmmmm....changed how they dealt with me, or perhaps in how they relate to me is more accurate...i really should know better, after all i haven't changed much in how i relate to them, so why should they change...these expectations lead to occasional disapointments of monumental proportions...which sometimes leads to loss of things like a sense of who i am, or having self esteem and so on ad nauseum...anyway im back and will be writing again(for good or otherwise)...so until next time
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